WARRIOR LOVE published by Balboa Press

Transformation through listening

I love saying, “Today I will meet the right people and radiate love wherever I go.”

On the coach coming over the mountains, I listened to a young woman named Julie. She told me her story. She was a frustrated German business student, and had come to Crete years ago as a child. Julie gradually trusted me and went deep into her past and recounted her relationships and her dreams of doing something worthwhile. Her spirit was heavy, and her words tumbled out like accusations at herself and life. I asked her, “What are your dreams?” She replied, “Wow, very few people ask that question—especially at college!”

Yet, as she sat back, feeling slightly coach sick, she suddenly remembered a dream of being close to the land and growing vegetables and living in a community. I suggested a lovely documentary, One Man, One Cow, One Planet. At the end of the coach journey, she took my card, and I also suggested she read Louise Hay’s You Can Heal Your Life. Then she went on her way with her two German friends. I am not writing about this to blow my own trumpet; it is simply an example of putting love into action. I remember Ole Larson, a teacher at the Institute for Self-Actualization (ISA). He asked me, “Do people leave you feeling better for having met you, or worse?”

Meetings are so wonderful when I embrace the intention just to listen and appreciate. We can all remember, I am sure, special people who have listened to us and given us help just at the right time and in the perfect space sequence. I am blessed with so many people who have loved being with me on my journey. Just listen to the song “Lean on Me” by Bill Withers: “We all need somebody to lean on!” My fingers are tapping to the music. I love how to love life and to be in that stream or flow. And the song ends, “Just call me if you need a friend!”

Good Health

Good health

Is having no fatigue,

Having a good appetite,

Going to sleep and awakening easily,

Having a good memory.

Having good humor

Having precision in thought and action,

and being honest, humble, grateful and loving.

How healthy are you?

Well, I still have work to do; the real difference now is that I enjoy the journey even when it gets tough! 

Living with Ex-prisoners changed my life for the better.

They took me on. I don’t think anyone else wanted the post; the previous volunteer had lasted only two weeks.  So I was paid £1 and 10 shillings per week for a post for which I was so academically unqualified, yet for which my crazy family upbringing made me an ideal candidate. Well, I like to think that! A sixteen-year-old certainly would not be allowed to do this work today! I imagine the newspapers and trade unions would have a field day, plus all of the health and safety issues! This was all preparation for my becoming a student of raw life by working with very dark, hurt souls, particularly men.

The voluntary work was like a baptism by fire, though not much more dangerous than living within my own family. The work with ex-prisoners was at times hell, yet I had tremendous guile that became a gift. I learned to connect with people who were worse off than I was. I could somehow get through to them. Little shocked me—or so I made out. My present partner has often said, “You have a natural gift for running groups.” True or not, I do feel some energy runs through me that allows me to trust the energy in the people and myself. Perhaps it’s the power of now. My body is so alive and integrated with mind and spirit. The same happens when I give talks; I can take ages preparing, them, the words may change, and it’s as if divine wisdom inspires me. I give thanks for this gift and it is my intention to use it wisely to benefit others.

Protection

At the hostel, I learned how to work with groups and use the different personalities to offset conflict and violence. The probation officers were often scared to come into the hostel and would ask me to bring their clients out to their cars. I was so egotistically proud that I could mix with such colorful souls, who often told me their horrific stories, even though once or twice two men were so triggered by their memories of hurt that they threatened to kill me! But somehow there was a “presence” protecting me; I learned to talk them down. For once in my life I felt strangely at home. The hardest part of the job was coping with the warden who was a tough ex-miner who had no empathy and little skill in communicating with the men. I do admit some of the men were not easy. They had murdered, robbed, abused people, and some were burnt-out ex-mental patients who were completely institutionalized.

Insight: I often see that the people who care for people in institutions of despair are as hurt or even more damaged than the people they care for. Consequently, instances of staff members abusing inmates appear on the news. We need a way of truly caring for the care givers. These include prison wardens, teachers, police officers, doctors, social workers, nurses, and many others. (As an aside, recent research on men in prison showed that one in four men is dyslexic).

Robert Holden, founder and director of The Happiness Project and Success Intelligence, has written a book called Loveability: Knowing How to Love and Be Loved. I quote from his first chapter: “One Day, all the great professions will include love in their training syllabi and core values.”

Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len teaches workshops on the Hawaiian method for achieving wealth, health, peace, and happiness, and teaches Ho’oponopono, an ancient Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness. This mantra is an integral part of Ho’oponopono: “I love you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.”

Each morning at the hostel, I would find women and/or men in bed with each other. The smell of alcohol was everywhere, and I would find broken furniture after fights. I learned to take this all in my stride. I remember being addicted, as were all the inmates, to smoking at sixteen years of age. It was a way of sharing even if it was killing us!

The police would often raid the place if there had been a local burglary. This created a lot of hatred and mistrust.

One particular incident happened while I was there: the Welsh Aberfan coal disaster. A landslide of coal slag killed many children and teachers. What amazed me were the tears in these so-called hardened men, who had been so condemned by society and unloved. This disaster led to deep sharing amongst the men and changed many attitudes and behavior in the hostel. From then on there was an honor amongst thieves! We cooperated and assisted each other, from laying the tables for meals to admitting wrongdoings, like theft. Out of tough experiences good can come. I witnessed a lot of healing at 56 Morris Lane, Leeds. I left this voluntary job after a year, a very different young man, yet still I had many unresolved emotional issues.

ALCHEMY: USING YOUR PAIN TO BECOME A BLESSING.

Insight: Today I connect with people, both young and old, who want to join and belong to alternative communities with values that are truly mindful of our ecological and human precariousness; my partner and my daughter are so keen on this, and I support them.

What amazed me out of this work of caring, cooking, cleaning, and listening to hurt people was that I actually found deep satisfaction. The wardens of both hostels I worked in believed in me and showed it by giving me good references.

Then Alec interviewed me for the toughest job I think I have ever had. This was to help start and run the first “rehabilitation” hostel for ex-prisoners in Leeds, Yorkshire.

Turning my ability to “survive the family” into a skill and life-long work

I nervously took a train north; this was first time I had traveled to what I thought was D.H. Lawrence country. (That was Nottingham). I had read Sons and Lovers at fourteen; and this book spoke to me about my own family. Later I read Lady Chatterley’s Lover—a real blockbuster because it involved explicit sexual descriptions. I remember everybody talking excitedly about this bold and daring book. Lawrence certainly shifted consciousness about what sort of “secret life” went on behind “closed doors.”

I was just sixteen years of age, tall and gangly, when I was interviewed by three probation officers in a courtroom. I stood literally in the dock! After asking me my motives for working with hardened criminals, I replied, “I am good at communicating with hurt people!” Who put that answer into my head I don’t know! Possibly the divine.

IMPORTANCE OF MENTORS.

Dive 5

 

Meeting my first real teacher and positive role model

A Buddhist proverb: “When the student is ready the teacher appears!” And I add, “in strange places!”

One of the turning points in my life occurred when I was fifteen. I left school in deep pain, and a few days later got on a train to London from Reading, the town nearest to my hometown. I cannot remember what drove me to do this; I just knew in my heart I could not take any more violence from my “crazy” family members. My sisters had left home by this time; one was at university, and the other had married.

In my steam train compartment (one of the last I was on) sat a very bright-eyed, grey-haired man wearing wire spectacles. Straight out he asked me, “What are you going to do with your life, son?” I remember looking around to see if there was an invisible person in this otherwise empty carriage. I realized he was talking to me. That showed me how low my personal esteem was … nobody had ever asked such a gentle question to me with a genuine concern.

Shocked, I stuttered, “I—I have no idea.” He smiled and said, “I invite you to come and see me in the East End of London. I may have something interesting for you to do with your life.”

Somehow, for once, I trusted a stranger—this man. Looking back, I recognize this “chance” meeting as a miracle sent in disguise. I could have so easily ended up homeless in London and gone into total despair. Indeed, many victims of low self-esteem, especially young people, go into cities searching for themselves as I did. Many of them get sucked into prostitution and drugs if their thoughts remain negative and they find no opportunities for advancement. I would love to imagine and be part of a movement that radiates in every family, community, society and country: If you change your thoughts you change your life!

This man turned out to be Sir Alec Dickson, who helped start the charity, Oxfam! Well, I went to the address and was interviewed for the post of community volunteer. This led to my working for a year and a half with the mentally handicapped, and then with mentally ill people. I loved this work. For once in my life, I had a defined role, and in a strange way I felt I belonged. It is such an important need in us all: a need to belong to something that’s hopefully worthwhile!

David & Goliath & Cinderella

School and first job

If you reflect on my history, as I have shared it here, you may be able to see why I had little trust in adults, which was confirmed by my dear head teacher at secondary school, who said, in front of the whole school on my last day (I don’t want to write this; it still makes me ashamed), “King, you are a waste of space!” And he added, rather vindictively in a deep baritone Welsh accent (nothing against him being Welsh), “You will make nothing of yourself.” That humiliation in front of the whole school made me so angry. I thought very slowly, I will show you, mate! I had come into school labeled as a “dunce”; now I was leaving labeled as a “waste of space.” (“Perhaps, Roger, that challenge inspired you towards the wonderful being you became.”—Chelle) Thank you, my dear friend Chelle!

I could not get out of school quick enough. I left with one O level in technical drawing and a whole lot of raw emotional hatred stored inside me. This reminds me of another little story:

The Mouse and the Bull

A mouse bit a bull on the nose, and the bull, enraged by such impudence, chased after it. The tiny mouse disappeared into a hole in a wall, so the bull charged against the wall bashing it again and again with his horns until he was quite worn out. He sank to the ground for a rest, whereupon the cheeky mouse came out and bit him again! The bull got to his feet, determined to catch his tormentor this time, but the mouse disappeared once more into the hole, leaving the bull with nothing to do but snort and bellow in hopeless anger. Soon he heard a little voice from inside the wall: “You big brutes don’t always get your own way; sometimes we little ones get the better of you.”

This shadows the story of David and Goliath, and the story Cinderella, as well as other fairy stories that tell of those who are small of stature overcoming the giants. So often I listen to true stories of abuse, and yet what is so amazing is that the pain can be alchemized into wise healing with real love and forgiveness.

BUILD BELIEFS THAT TRULY SUPPORT LOVE NOT FEAR!

Choose beliefs that support you, including beliefs about God

Here is a very important suggestion from Louise Hay: “Get a concept of God that supports you!”

I love this thought. My religious upbringing did give me one benefit—it got me out of the house on Sundays, for peace. My parents came once to church; they thought it would be good for us children to go to church and have a religious education!

My spiritual journey has, at times, been very disciplined. And then it waned, as I felt there was always basic criticism and fear at the heart of religion. In my opinion, fear based religion develops from the reaction of souls who have not learned to love themselves! (That could start a conversation!) I could not cope with feelings of being so wrong and guilt ridden when I came out of church services.

As a counselor, I listened to so many stories of adults having been sexually or spiritually abused in so-called religious families as children. I could not match what Jesus said with what came out of the mouths of “often angry pulpit priests” (whose own childhood was very suspect) and what truly was going on in reality. The Roman Catholic Church is facing a deep truth about the celibacy of their priests leading to sexual and emotional abuse. Please hear me: I am not against religion; yet I do feel each of us is naturally highly spiritual, and we don’t need an “expert” middleman or woman. Enough said.

Insight: Gratitude is very healing. Giving thanks frequently gives me spiritual awakening and real joy. I love to wake up giving thanks for my breath, my body, my family, my bed. Now I can authentically be full of gratitude for my parents! Wow, that feels so good! What could you give thanks for? So much more joy and love will come your way if you are grateful for what you have. I even give thanks for those who judge me harshly about being open to loving more than one woman. Here’s a little Persian story that says a lot about experts and ego:

The Sailor and the Teacher

Ayra earned his living by taking people on short boat trips. He came from a nautical family, and although he’d never had any formal education, he had learned all about sailing from his father and grandfather.

One day a schoolteacher, who fancied a few hours at sea in order to rest from the rigors of the classroom, hired him. He’d not been on Ayra’s boat long before he asked: “What do you think the weather’s going to be like today, Ayra?”

The sailor assessed the strength of the wind, examined the sky, looked at the sea and then said, “I think we is going to have a storm.”

The teacher looked shocked. “What? Can’t you speak properly? You shouldn’t say ‘we is.’ You should say ‘we are’! Didn’t anyone teach you grammar?”

“I’m a sailor,” replied Ayra. “What do I need grammar for?”

“Because, if you don’t know grammar, half your life is wasted!” the teacher sneered, as he settled down to read his book. Within minutes, and just as Ayra had predicted, the storm clouds began to gather, and the waves became choppy. Ayra became anxious as the boat was tossed on the rough sea.

“Did you ever learn to swim?” asked Ayra.

“Why should I learn to swim? I’m a schoolteacher!”

“Well then your whole life is wasted, because this boat is going to sink any minute now!

Here’s another little story about the arrogance of assumptions:

The Ship and the Lighthouse

The ship’s captain, seeing what appears to be another boat coming towards him, radios: “Unidentified vessel, you are on a trajectory that is going to collide with us. I suggest you move.

The reply: “Captain of the ship approaching, I suggest you change your course.”

Captain of the ship: “I’ll have you know I am captain of a very large ship. I insist that you move.”

Reply: You may be a big ship, but I’m a lighthouse—your call!”

LISTEN TO PARENTS IT CAN HELP YOU HEAL!

Practice listening to parents

To have completed such a rich personal forgiveness with my mum over three years was such a healing for me. I love you, Mum!

Listening to my mother’s story was so healing for many of the hurts that I carried. I cannot urge you enough to sit with at least one of your parents and ask what his or her life was like growing up. Just listen and appreciate him or her for being as honest as possible. So many of my clients have done this, and it truly has helped them. If the parents have died, I often suggest a “gestalt” chair technique to assist in putting together the pieces of a picture or puzzle of your life. The client first sits in the chair of the child and asks, “What happened in your childhood?” Then the client switches chairs and plays the part of the parent and provides an empathetic response. Careful facilitation of this exercise has brought floods of tears and such huge healings. It’s amazing how pain can be transformed and healing insights come.

Dive a little deeper to the fear of being abandoned by someone who is supposed to love you! Long-held deep secrets around abuse often lead to extreme jealousy and mistrust in later intimate relationships.

I believe the root of my mother’s jealousy, and the reason she became such a bitter woman, was that her own mother knew her daughter was being abused and did nothing. My mother’s mother was so terrified to tell anyone, and she died young from breast cancer. I am sure her mother’s guilt for not putting a stop to what she knew was going on between her daughter and her husband contributed to her cancer. (From listening to many women’s abuse stories—and sometimes those of men—I learned that the mother or someone in the family often knows about the abuse, yet stays in denial!)

This scenario is played out in so many ways. It comes down to being abandoned by those who are supposed to love you. If, as you read this, you are aware of always feeling abandoned, I suggest seeing an experienced counselor, because there are so many good ways of healing that nightmare! Family therapist Virginia Satir works with a therapeutic method known as Family Constellation; it is a wonderful and insightful way of working things out as a family. Plus, I recommend the rebirthing work of Sondra Ray. In her book Pele’s Wish: Secrets of the Hawaiian Masters and Eternal Life, she lists spiritual writer Leonard Orr’s “Five Biggies in Life”:

1.     The birth trauma

2.     The parental disapproval syndrome

3.     Specific negatives

4.     The unconscious death urge

5.     Other lifetime work

COMPLETION WITH MOTHER. @ Bettys in Harrogate.

Dive 4

 

Completion connecting as equals: becoming friends with my mother

One brilliant healing for me was hearing my mother say to me, “Yes, darling, I can understand you can love more than one person!” I had asked her, “Do you think, Mum, that it’s possible to love more than one person, with or without sex?” This insight came from a woman who used to be so jealous and full of hurt. Let me explain.

In the last three years of her life my mother and I talked weekly at Betty’s, a lovely teashop in Harrogate, Yorkshire, where she was greeted so kindly. Although she was eventually confined to a wheelchair and a home for the elderly, her mind was sharp, and we shared with trust and a certain depth of honesty about our emotional family patterns. Often she asked me to forgive her for comparing me to my father. This was a vital healing moment for me, and I hope it was for her as well. It was healing just to hear her say, “Please forgive me, Roger!” Mother said it with such sincerity. And I replied, “I do, Mum!” People watching us in that rather posh tearoom as we shared our hearts so openly may have raised their eyebrows at the tears we shed over our chocolate éclairs!

I shared with my mother some of what I had learned from Louise Hay’s books and from other mentors and teachers. My mum sat opened mouthed with tears in her eyes. “Oh, darling, I would love to have known what you know!” And she followed that comment with, “It was so frowned on in my day to love yourself and be strong and independent. I would have been a very different person. I would never have got married so young!” Mum did add, “There have been times since I left your father that I have been happy.”

A special moment of a visiting angel

I remember asking my mother how she wanted to die. She looked across the table and past me and said in a completely peaceful trance, “Do you see the angel sitting there?” And it was like a presence sitting in a chair. In a real divine moment, she whispered: “I know I will be all right.” We cried and held hands, then hugged like two equal spiritual souls. All fear and criticism was gone! I cry while I write this. I truly miss you, Mum. She died in March 2012.

Working With Ex Prisoners

They took me on. I don’t think anyone else wanted the post; the previous volunteer had lasted only two weeks.  So I was paid £1 and 10 shillings per week for a post for which I was so academically unqualified, yet for which my crazy family upbringing made me an ideal candidate. Well, I like to think that! A sixteen-year-old certainly would not be allowed to do this work today! I imagine the newspapers and trade unions would have a field day, plus all of the health and safety issues! This was all preparation for my becoming a student of raw life by working with very dark, hurt souls, particularly men.

The voluntary work was like a baptism by fire, though not much more dangerous than living within my own family. The work with ex-prisoners was at times hell, yet I had tremendous guile that became a gift. I learned to connect with people who were worse off than I was. I could somehow get through to them. Little shocked me—or so I made out. My present partner has often said, “You have a natural gift for running groups.” True or not, I do feel some energy runs through me that allows me to trust the energy in the people and myself. Perhaps it’s the power of now. My body is so alive and integrated with mind and spirit. The same happens when I give talks; I can take ages preparing, them, the words may change, and it’s as if divine wisdom inspires me. I give thanks for this gift and it is my intention to use it wisely to benefit others.

Protection

At the hostel, I learned how to work with groups and use the different personalities to offset conflict and violence. The probation officers were often scared to come into the hostel and would ask me to bring their clients out to their cars. I was so egotistically proud that I could mix with such colorful souls, who often told me their horrific stories, even though once or twice two men were so triggered by their memories of hurt that they threatened to kill me! But somehow there was a “presence” protecting me; I learned to talk them down. For once in my life I felt strangely at home. The hardest part of the job was coping with the warden who was a tough ex-miner who had no empathy and little skill in communicating with the men. I do admit some of the men were not easy. They had murdered, robbed, abused people, and some were burnt-out ex-mental patients who were completely institutionalized.

Insight: I often see that the people who care for people in institutions of despair are as hurt or even more damaged than the people they care for. Consequently, instances of staff members abusing inmates appear on the news. We need a way of truly caring for the care givers. These include prison wardens, teachers, police officers, doctors, social workers, nurses, and many others. (As an aside, recent research on men in prison showed that one in four men is dyslexic).

Robert Holden, founder and director of The Happiness Project and Success Intelligence, has written a book called Loveability: Knowing How to Love and Be Loved. I quote from his first chapter: “One Day, all the great professions will include love in their training syllabi and core values.”

Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len teaches workshops on the Hawaiian method for achieving wealth, health, peace, and happiness, and teaches Ho’oponopono, an ancient Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness. This mantra is an integral part of Ho’oponopono: “I love you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.”

Each morning at the hostel, I would find women and/or men in bed with each other. The smell of alcohol was everywhere, and I would find broken furniture after fights. I learned to take this all in my stride. I remember being addicted, as were all the inmates, to smoking at sixteen years of age. It was a way of sharing even if it was killing us!

The police would often raid the place if there had been a local burglary. This created a lot of hatred and mistrust.

One particular incident happened while I was there: the Welsh Aberfan coal disaster. A landslide of coal slag killed many children and teachers. What amazed me were the tears in these so-called hardened men, who had been so condemned by society and unloved. This disaster led to deep sharing amongst the men and changed many attitudes and behavior in the hostel. From then on there was an honor amongst thieves! We cooperated and assisted each other, from laying the tables for meals to admitting wrongdoings, like theft. Out of tough experiences good can come. I witnessed a lot of healing at 56 Morris Lane, Leeds. I left this voluntary job after a year, a very different young man, yet still I had many unresolved emotional issues.