Waking fears about publishing Warrior Love!

3rd Feb 2014

Waking fears about publishing Warrior Love!

I awake this morning with the birds singing, and a warm touch of spring in the air.

Then thoughts and feelings emerge into consciousness. I sense my anxiousness of coming out and admitting to a world that I am naturally a Polyamorous man. (I love more than one person at the same time.)

I ask my rational adult: How can I admit to a world full of people that I am a Polyamorous man? Humans who are so often full of fear and prejudice? A world that is more worried about money, weather, wars, starvation and many more important issues than my emotional and sexual preferences. 

 I suddenly feel I could be persecuted, like women seen as a witch in the middle ages, or gay people coming out over many centuries. I remember my past partner shouting down the phone on a sweltering hot day in Crete, where I started writing Warrior Love:

 “Admitting your Polyamorous, your an idiot. You can’t write that!”

 My belligerent answer was “Yes I can!” My retaliation for the hurt I felt at our separation.

This wounded man was going to show the world that I am a crazy lovely man!  I was going to justify my actions for holding secrets about my being able to relate emotionally and sexually to more than one person. I was going to confront a world of men and women, who have learnt to lie to their partners about love affairs. I was going to be honest about my life.

No longer could I keep a secret heart that was hurting. I wanted to give my truth to a world that needs truth, courage and openness. I was not going to deny my natural ability to love and be loved by different women.

I was going to write Warrior Love for all people left on the sideline and not heard and have been abused in childhood. All the souls I have listened too for years in my (therapy) garden hut. People whom had labels given to them by doctors and stuffed full of drugs. I was going to write it for us all, who have been conditioned to fear. I was going to dream a world where we wake up to our negative war torn world that loves such duplicity to cover up!

I told myself: “I am coming out!” I will tell the world to stop and be more honest about being full of paranoiac fear.

I realise I could be seen as a hardhearted man that is condoning his own behaviour.  I realise I could be struck off from being a counsellor and group worker and labelled a groomer of women and an adulterer and by some a bigamist. I can hear in my worst fears the religious souls would condemn me to hell. Well maybe we are already in hell ladies and gentlemen!

Another fear. My family would excommunicate me to some old peoples home as an embarrassment and just forgotten. To be talked about in hushed tones and assassinated quietly at dinner conversations.

To be talked about in some clichés. “He was a good man but turned bad! I always suspected him though. Therapists are a bit crazy anyway!”

So these are my worst fears of saying anything to TV, radio, and news reporters. A mass media that love to build you up and then assassinate you, like they do with most celebrities. I ask myself would it be wiser to scrap the whole book and just quietly retire to some celibate monastery or the opposite a “poly” house and go into not caring that I am a misunderstood genius child.I end this blog with a crazy thought of being like Oscar Wilde, imprisoned in my hometown, a Reading jail! Now that would be some end! Good morning crazy world! Love Roger

PS Some affirmations:

“I go beyond my own negative beliefs and fears and those around me. I think in my own mind."

" I CAN DO IT! I CAN WRITE AND MARKET WARRIOR LOVE AND SERVE HUMANITY WITH A LOVING INTENTION.”

 "I CANNOT AFFORD THE CRITICISMS OF OTHERS AS I COME FROM A PLACE OF LOVING INTENTION & HUMBLENESS"