The dark night of the soul!

I am facing deep rejection of self and the choices I have made over the past 6 years. I am now encountering self with very little inner or outer peace. I realise I have let myself down and my family and women in my life down. I have resisted seeing the hurt I have caused in loving more than one woman. I have lost respect and love from my ex-partner, I have lost my families respect. Its like I have been on self-destruct. My mind has suddenly become unable to deal with the wounds I have caused in all who I have loved. 
I feel like the lamb that has been unmasked and is now a snake eating itself. My choices for being so absorbed in making love to women has thrown out a gauntlet to the universal presence and said "come on hit me with the repercussions!"  Well as I move to letting go all I hold dear, including the family house, the presence is hitting me with all its might. I feel its invasion and stark instructions to either end my life or be real to find out who I truly could be.

The lessons of being a rebel and writing Warrior Love and making a film has made so many harsh judges. But the biggest judge is in me and of course this creates a huge many sided victim. Well each woman implores me to see a counsellor and make myself vulnerable to be unmasked step by step. That looks like one route to opening myself to the process that I have given people for years. Get a supervisor they add if you continue as a counsellor. Stop all intimate relationships. Withdraw from life! Stop dancing and keeping fit, let the armour fall off. Die to your old self and create a new trusted self that people can rely on. Eat my ego and my resistance to being stripped naked.

Begin the process of WHAT YOU DONT WANT TO KNOW ABOUT ME IS.. I am addicted to sexual pleasure with women who turn me on! What I don't want you to know about me is I have tried to love myself and become a teacher, however I have failed miserably. 

I have humiliated my ex-partner and in her own words said "I was dying with you!"

I have opened a door to so much hurt and cruelty that I fear the prison of ridicule from everyone.

Do I know where it all started? Yes and No! I could blame, however, that would get me deeper into depression and repression. 

I ask, "have I done any good in this life?" Well my new shamanistic landlady thinks I have, yet have I created clear good boundaries? No, I have had poor ones that have just created chaos. I remember nobody is above the law! The law WHAT YOU PUT OUT COMES BACK MULTIPLIED. So dear reader the dark night begins in earnest! This invasion of truth, will I hope open my heart and make me a more real and truly trusted soul on this checkerboard of life.  Or I die with the poison inside me and the music forming a crystal of hell on wheels. I truly want to change for the better and so be real to all who encounter me. ~My love Roger