Coming Out. Questions I ask Myself & YOU!

Dive 3

Healing all of me—the parts I have denied

I say out loud: I am continuously in the process of change and unfolding my awareness, consciousness, and transformation. And so it is. And my affirmation for today Coming out:!

I am possibly a hidden, yet natural, polyamorist—one who maintains more than one romantic relationship at a time. This is not a label I use easily to excuse hurting people I love. I want to understand the following questions: In my heart of hearts I do love my partner, yet why do I feel I want and need love from other women too, who love me just as I am? I have not groomed these relationships, and hopefully have not abused them. I ask sincerely, is it my hurt childhood emotional patterns that cause these needs? Is it a false need—some would say “warped” need—to fulfill love I never had? Is it that I love sex? Is it just the thrill of my ego loving attention? Is it an aging man just wanting attention? I truly want to understand how I can have so much love in me for women who show me love. As I write this I don’t want to be seen as a tribal outcast. I am doing my best to be more aware; I am not just trying to excuse my actions. I do have feelings of love for all the women I have ever been with, and not just sexual feelings. I know I still love my primary partner, and we have had wonderful, passionate sex throughout our twenty-seven years.

I realize I have not faced these questions, and I am sure you may have ambivalent ideas about me. I want you to hear my heart; I am not trying to justify. I want to be open to a real understanding.

 

What is polyamory? I quote from Peter Bensons’ book, The Polyamory Handbook: A User’s Guide:

Polyamory is not a “license for affairs.” The term “polyamory” from the Latin and Greek roots meaning “many loves.” Means the practice or theory of having emotionally intimate relationships with more than one person simultaneously, with sex as a permissible expression of caring feelings, openly and honestly keeping one’s primary (or dating partners)  informed of other intimate involvements.

He also says, “Polyamorous relationships may be emotional without sex…”

Polyamory is egalitarian between the genders (not sexist). It is so important for me to add what Peter says here: “So polyamory is not about indiscriminate sex with many partners and it is not about secret affairs.”

This is what I flouted at the expense of my primary partner. And I am truly sorry. This is not an excuse. I do believe we are so conditioned to do this—both men and women: to lie about sharing love with other partners. If I could turn the clock back, I would tell my partner. This has shattered trust.

Now you know. Please suspend judgments. I touch the Earth with heartfelt regret!

I guess I can empathize with what it was like for people of many generations to be gay. I am possibly a polyamorist. There is no dictionary definition yet. I love to love different women, not necessarily sexually, who love me. I have covered up this need in me for years. I know therapists could say: “This is an addiction and needs treatment.” and a possible reason could come from trying to cheer up mother and sisters! Maybe so. I choose not to beat myself up for this. I have learned that making myself wrong does not bring healing; it blocks my energy and wisdom. It’s work in progress, and writing this book is helping. I hope you can find insights that assist you in healing and loving yourself and, most importantly, being more authentically you. I suspect the fundamentalist religious person reading this could have a “field day” of accusations. I ask you to let God judge me. Thank you.