IMAGINE A DIFFERENT CHILDHOOD IF YOU HAD IT TOUGH.

Diving deeper: love without the limits of our negative thinking.

I imagine, sometimes, how things would have been if my original family had been more enlightened. What if my father had been able to be honest and open about his childhood and realize his need for constant sex with women came from such hurts in his own childhood? What if my mother could have been helped to make real choices about her abusive background and heal her self-image and learn how to love herself? What if, instead of listening to their violent arguments, we children had experienced them cuddling and doing their best to heal their wounds, never running each other down in front of us? What if they listened to us three children appropriately with respectful sharing at meals? What if, when we cried, we were allowed to be real and not rejected? I remember that my son, Simon, felt so respected when my partner and I involved him in “time to think” sessions. He thought it was marvelous to be so open with his parents.

Imagine if at school we could share what our families are doing best to heal wounds around relationships and sex and any related emotional issues. This is so different from just teaching the mechanics of sex. That class time would be “honest time” for teachers to be facilitators of feelings. Teachers could be real humans to the children they teach. That “freedom to learn” is about questions: Who am I? What is love? It is an opportunity to learn the answer to the question: What inner language do we need to learn to develop love for others and ourselves? The books I have listed in the appendix could be on bookshelves in all places of learning. Imagine having teachers of metaphysics and other philosophies coming into schools and colleges, not just to teach, but listen to students. Imagine that yoga and much more holistic subjects were taught, especially courses in juicing and healthy organic cooking. Imagine that homework was to listen to a CD on loving relationships.

As I said earlier, some counselors who have a narrow view of relationships may consider that I have a “sexual addiction” that needs curing. And here is a list that I could involve in long-term therapy:

·      I had little touch or love when growing up.

·      Sex was all around me, yet often violent.

·      Nobody talked honestly about what was going on in my family. Crazy hurt experiences were just felt and left unhealed, never to be talked about. (I am doing my best now to own my truth. I hope this can help you find your “wise courage.”)

·      A lecturer on a college trip abroad groomed me and raped me. From this one experience, my life imploded. What made it worse was that he and I never spoke about it, and this made me want to “prove” myself as a “man”! What a survival technique!

I have done a lot of healing in these areas, especially through some counseling and emotional freedom therapy (EFT). There is a film of me doing EFT on this rape experience on videotape in 2009 with Gwyneth Moss, an excellent emotional freedom therapist. (See appendix 11.)

I believe when we have a very hurt child inside, if we are threatened as an adult with love being withdrawn, very bizarre behavior can be triggered. When I was told, “Go elsewhere to meet your sexual needs.” I became open to attracting another relationship to fulfill my needs.

Fear of saying “I love you.”

I often ask clients at some point: “Were you ever told you were loved?” The hurt reply is immediately “no” or “you must be joking.” Sometimes, even if words of love were said, they didn’t believe them.

I remember sharing this once with one of my sisters, and she said, “I don’t think we were ever told we were loved!”

The unresolved hurt comes when parents die

When our parents died within six weeks of each other, they had been parted for thirty years. So much hurt came to the surface for both of my sisters.  They are both very clever, and each is successful in her particular way. I have made a choice not to be in contact, out of self-protection. I feel a miracle must happen before we die! So I affirm the miracle: “My sisters and I are divinely guided to become genuine friends, and we can authentically forgive each other for all hurt caused!”

Insight: Our legal system, sometimes, lives off people who don’t know why or how to love their true selves. I believe if we loved ourselves from a place of truth and forgiveness, we would have courts of forgiveness and reconciliation.