As I listen to my alerted self-talk after a difficult slumber, my mind is suddenly aware of my new surroundings. I smell the healing vapours of smoke from a fire lit by my landlady last night, who soaks herself and me in the rain that percolates my soul.
The universe is bringing me my healing with fire and rain, however I sense a long path ahead for this ageing warrior of love with meandering self-reflection. The tick of a gentle bedside clock does not 'mind calm' this subconscious mind that waits to tell me what to type.
As I chant quietly to the invasive dark thoughts about this worlds human barbarity, my body aches with a thirst for comfort of just one soul to reach out and wipe my heart clean of its torment.
My new openness to process of healing brings a tiger that is burning itself to death and spiritual life. My soul wants to say "I only wanted to radiate love and bring healing." Yet I have brought hurt and pain to such wounded fellow souls and such disgust, that at times has cut me dead. The judges of wounded humanity seem so large in this world. The summit of 'cover ups' is mine to own and take the consequences. "The Gate Keepers" of my heart are admitting my barbarity, my masks of wounded warrior ship are there to see.
As a man in his cave I have helped attract such an invasion of war, slavery, debt, and reducing faith in something truly good. The war between men and women seems so deep. Such little trust and real long lasting love. I look at playful boys and girls and cry "LOVE YOURSELF!" Don't wait till you are 66. Learn to be the miracle of love you truly are. Let your homecoming be true now. Don't wait to become imprisoned in slavery to alcohol, drugs or Viagra. Let your heart sing with a power within that gave you birth. Don't wait for prostate cancer, or a heart that attacks you. Don't sit watching telly eating rubbish that keeps you frozen in hell. Get into love, kindness, creativity forgiveness and serve yourself intimately. Become a genuine lover of life. Turn the sail of your mind, body and soul to the wind of authenticity. Dance wild and open the sea of your dreams to the true path of love and vigorous love making.
As I bully myself to open my heart, I feel like a disgraced Samurai creating hari-kari, with the sharp knife penetrating my truth. No coffee or lazy meal any more in side cafes to stave off my guilt. I am here now open to the gaze of souls who have such a skin that is contagiously diseased. I want to wake up as a mother does to the cry of her baby and know I can comfort this wonderful miracle of life. I want to feel proud to be human and not condemned for loving more than one woman. I want openness and communication and appreciation, I want the earth to be heaven not an increasing hell. Do you want to burn off the dross and be a Tiger burning bright? My love Roger
Monday 7 July 2014
The dark night of the soul!
I am facing deep rejection of self and the choices I have made over the past 6 years. I am now encountering self with very little inner or outer peace. I realise I have let myself down and my family and women in my life down. I have resisted seeing the hurt I have caused in loving more than one woman. I have lost respect and love from my ex-partner, I have lost my families respect. Its like I have been on self-destruct. My mind has suddenly become unable to deal with the wounds I have caused in all who I have loved.
I feel like the lamb that has been unmasked and is now a snake eating itself. My choices for being so absorbed in making love to women has thrown out a gauntlet to the universal presence and said "come on hit me with the repercussions!" Well as I move to letting go all I hold dear, including the family house, the presence is hitting me with all its might. I feel its invasion and stark instructions to either end my life or be real to find out who I truly could be.
The lessons of being a rebel and writing Warrior Love and making a film has made so many harsh judges. But the biggest judge is in me and of course this creates a huge many sided victim. Well each woman implores me to see a counsellor and make myself vulnerable to be unmasked step by step. That looks like one route to opening myself to the process that I have given people for years. Get a supervisor they add if you continue as a counsellor. Stop all intimate relationships. Withdraw from life! Stop dancing and keeping fit, let the armour fall off. Die to your old self and create a new trusted self that people can rely on. Eat my ego and my resistance to being stripped naked.
Begin the process of WHAT YOU DONT WANT TO KNOW ABOUT ME IS.. I am addicted to sexual pleasure with women who turn me on! What I don't want you to know about me is I have tried to love myself and become a teacher, however I have failed miserably.
I have humiliated my ex-partner and in her own words said "I was dying with you!"
I have opened a door to so much hurt and cruelty that I fear the prison of ridicule from everyone.
Do I know where it all started? Yes and No! I could blame, however, that would get me deeper into depression and repression.
I ask, "have I done any good in this life?" Well my new shamanistic landlady thinks I have, yet have I created clear good boundaries? No, I have had poor ones that have just created chaos. I remember nobody is above the law! The law WHAT YOU PUT OUT COMES BACK MULTIPLIED. So dear reader the dark night begins in earnest! This invasion of truth, will I hope open my heart and make me a more real and truly trusted soul on this checkerboard of life. Or I die with the poison inside me and the music forming a crystal of hell on wheels. I truly want to change for the better and so be real to all who encounter me. ~My love Roger
I feel like the lamb that has been unmasked and is now a snake eating itself. My choices for being so absorbed in making love to women has thrown out a gauntlet to the universal presence and said "come on hit me with the repercussions!" Well as I move to letting go all I hold dear, including the family house, the presence is hitting me with all its might. I feel its invasion and stark instructions to either end my life or be real to find out who I truly could be.
The lessons of being a rebel and writing Warrior Love and making a film has made so many harsh judges. But the biggest judge is in me and of course this creates a huge many sided victim. Well each woman implores me to see a counsellor and make myself vulnerable to be unmasked step by step. That looks like one route to opening myself to the process that I have given people for years. Get a supervisor they add if you continue as a counsellor. Stop all intimate relationships. Withdraw from life! Stop dancing and keeping fit, let the armour fall off. Die to your old self and create a new trusted self that people can rely on. Eat my ego and my resistance to being stripped naked.
Begin the process of WHAT YOU DONT WANT TO KNOW ABOUT ME IS.. I am addicted to sexual pleasure with women who turn me on! What I don't want you to know about me is I have tried to love myself and become a teacher, however I have failed miserably.
I have humiliated my ex-partner and in her own words said "I was dying with you!"
I have opened a door to so much hurt and cruelty that I fear the prison of ridicule from everyone.
Do I know where it all started? Yes and No! I could blame, however, that would get me deeper into depression and repression.
I ask, "have I done any good in this life?" Well my new shamanistic landlady thinks I have, yet have I created clear good boundaries? No, I have had poor ones that have just created chaos. I remember nobody is above the law! The law WHAT YOU PUT OUT COMES BACK MULTIPLIED. So dear reader the dark night begins in earnest! This invasion of truth, will I hope open my heart and make me a more real and truly trusted soul on this checkerboard of life. Or I die with the poison inside me and the music forming a crystal of hell on wheels. I truly want to change for the better and so be real to all who encounter me. ~My love Roger
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