ATTRACTING MY FIRST REAL TEACHER/SAGE.

 

Meeting my first real teacher and positive role model

A Buddhist proverb: “When the student is ready the teacher appears!” And I add, “in strange places!”

One of the turning points in my life occurred when I was fifteen. I left school in deep pain, and a few days later got on a train to London from Reading, the town nearest to my hometown. I cannot remember what drove me to do this; I just knew in my heart I could not take any more violence from my “crazy” family members. My sisters had left home by this time; one was at university, and the other had married.

In my steam train compartment (one of the last I was on) sat a very bright-eyed, grey-haired man wearing wire spectacles. Straight out he asked me, “What are you going to do with your life, son?” I remember looking around to see if there was an invisible person in this otherwise empty carriage. I realized he was talking to me. That showed me how low my personal esteem was … nobody had ever asked such a gentle question to me with a genuine concern.

Shocked, I stuttered, “I—I have no idea.” He smiled and said, “I invite you to come and see me in the East End of London. I may have something interesting for you to do with your life.”

Somehow, for once, I trusted a stranger—this man. Looking back, I recognize this “chance” meeting as a miracle sent in disguise. I could have so easily ended up homeless in London and gone into total despair. Indeed, many victims of low self-esteem, especially young people, go into cities searching for themselves as I did. Many of them get sucked into prostitution and drugs if their thoughts remain negative and they find no opportunities for advancement. I would love to imagine and be part of a movement that radiates in every family, community, society and country: If you change your thoughts you change your life!

This man turned out to be Sir Alec Dickson, who helped start the charity, Oxfam! Well, I went to the address and was interviewed for the post of community volunteer. This led to my working for a year and a half with the mentally handicapped, and then with mentally ill people. I loved this work. For once in my life, I had a defined role, and in a strange way I felt I belonged. It is such an important need in us all: a need to belong to something that’s hopefully worthwhile!

Insight: Today I connect with people, both young and old, who want to join and belong to alternative communities with values that are truly mindful of our ecological and human precariousness; my partner and my daughter are so keen on this, and I support them.

What amazed me out of this work of caring, cooking, cleaning, and listening to hurt people was that I actually found deep satisfaction. The wardens of both hostels I worked in believed in me and showed it by giving me good references.

Then Alec interviewed me for the toughest job I think I have ever had. This was to help start and run the first “rehabilitation” hostel for ex-prisoners in Leeds, Yorkshire.

Turning my ability to “survive the family” into a skill and life-long work

I nervously took a train north; this was first time I had traveled to what I thought was D.H. Lawrence country. (That was Nottingham). I had read Sons and Lovers at fourteen; and this book spoke to me about my own family. Later I read Lady Chatterley’s Lover—a real blockbuster because it involved explicit sexual descriptions. I remember everybody talking excitedly about this bold and daring book. Lawrence certainly shifted consciousness about what sort of “secret life” went on behind “closed doors.”

I was just sixteen years of age, tall and gangly, when I was interviewed by three probation officers in a courtroom. I stood literally in the dock! After asking me my motives for working with hardened criminals, I replied, “I am good at communicating with hurt people!” Who put that answer into my head I don’t know! Possibly the divine.

TRUST

If you reflect on my history, as I have shared it here, you may be able to see why I had little trust in adults, which was confirmed by my dear head teacher at secondary school, who said, in front of the whole school on my last day (I don’t want to write this; it still makes me shudder!) “King, you are a waste of space!” And he added, rather vindictively in a deep baritone Welsh accent (nothing against him being Welsh), “You will make nothing of yourself.” That humiliation in front of the whole school made me so angry. I thought very slowly, I will show you, mate! I had come into school labeled as a “dunce”; now I was leaving labeled as a “waste of space.” (“Perhaps, Roger, that challenge inspired you towards the wonderful being you became.”—Chelle) Thank you, my dear friend Chelle!

I could not get out of school quick enough. I left with one O level in technical drawing and a whole lot of raw emotional hatred stored inside me. This reminds me of another little story:

The Mouse and the Bull

A mouse bit a bull on the nose, and the bull, enraged by such impudence, chased after it. The tiny mouse disappeared into a hole in a wall, so the bull charged against the wall bashing it again and again with his horns until he was quite worn out. He sank to the ground for a rest, whereupon the cheeky mouse came out and bit him again! The bull got to his feet, determined to catch his tormentor this time, but the mouse disappeared once more into the hole, leaving the bull with nothing to do but snort and bellow in hopeless anger. Soon he heard a little voice from inside the wall: “You big brutes don’t always get your own way; sometimes we little ones get the better of you.”

This shadows the story of David and Goliath, and the story Cinderella, as well as other fairy stories that tell of those who are small of stature overcoming the giants. So often I listen to true stories of abuse, and yet what is so amazing is that the pain can be alchemized into wise healing with real love and forgiveness.

LIMITING BELIEFS

Limiting beliefs in our culture can create divorce and separation

I know I still love my present partner, yet our lack of alternative models of intimacy, and the limiting beliefs we have been “domesticated” by, tell us that “open relationships” can be too difficult. I realize I need to be careful with whom I share my beliefs with, because society’s limiting beliefs about sexuality and open relationships can be so full of assumptions and pain around the subject.

Let me say that I never regret attracting my present partner. I take full responsibility for my lack of awareness and consciousness about being (possibly) a natural polyamorist. I don’t want to hide; I want to be real. How about you?

Choose beliefs that support you, including beliefs about God

Here is a very important suggestion from Louise Hay: “Get a concept of God that supports you!”

I love this thought. My religious upbringing did give me one benefit—it got me out of the house on Sundays, for peace. My parents came once to church; they thought it would be good for us children to go to church and have a religious education!

My spiritual journey has, at times, been very disciplined. And then it waned, as I felt there was always basic criticism and fear at the heart of religion. In my opinion, fear based religion develops from the reaction of souls who have not learned to love themselves! (That could start a conversation!) I could not cope with feelings of being so wrong and guilt ridden when I came out of church services.

As a counselor, I listened to so many stories of adults having been sexually or spiritually abused in so-called religious families as children. I could not match what Jesus said with what came out of the mouths of “often angry pulpit priests” (whose own childhood was very suspect) and what truly was going on in reality. The Roman Catholic Church is facing a deep truth about the celibacy of their priests leading to sexual and emotional abuse. Please hear me: I am not against religion; yet I do feel each of us is naturally highly spiritual, and we don’t need an “expert” middleman or woman. Enough said.

Insight: Gratitude is very healing. Giving thanks frequently gives me spiritual awakening and real joy. I love to wake up giving thanks for my breath, my body, my family, my bed. Now I can authentically be full of gratitude for my parents! Wow, that feels so good! What could you give thanks for? So much more joy and love will come your way if you are grateful for what you have. I even give thanks for those who judge me harshly about being open to loving more than one woman. Here’s a little Persian story that says a lot about experts and ego:

The Sailor and the Teacher

Ayra earned his living by taking people on short boat trips. He came from a nautical family, and although he’d never had any formal education, he had learned all about sailing from his father and grandfather.

One day a schoolteacher, who fancied a few hours at sea in order to rest from the rigors of the classroom, hired him. He’d not been on Ayra’s boat long before he asked: “What do you think the weather’s going to be like today, Ayra?”

The sailor assessed the strength of the wind, examined the sky, looked at the sea and then said, “I think we is going to have a storm.”

The teacher looked shocked. “What? Can’t you speak properly? You shouldn’t say ‘we is.’ You should say ‘we are’! Didn’t anyone teach you grammar?”

“I’m a sailor,” replied Ayra. “What do I need grammar for?”

“Because, if you don’t know grammar, half your life is wasted!” the teacher sneered, as he settled down to read his book. Within minutes, and just as Ayra had predicted, the storm clouds began to gather, and the waves became choppy. Ayra became anxious as the boat was tossed on the rough sea.

“Did you ever learn to swim?” asked Ayra.

“Why should I learn to swim? I’m a schoolteacher!”

“Well then your whole life is wasted, because this boat is going to sink any minute now!

Here’s another little story about the arrogance of assumptions:

The Ship and the Lighthouse

The ship’s captain, seeing what appears to be another boat coming towards him, radios: “Unidentified vessel, you are on a trajectory that is going to collide with us. I suggest you move.

The reply: “Captain of the ship approaching, I suggest you change your course.”

Captain of the ship: “I’ll have you know I am captain of a very large ship. I insist that you move.”

Reply: You may be a big ship, but I’m a lighthouse—your call!”

A special meeting!

A special meeting that changed my life

Meeting a woman called Jo Berry was such a heart-warming experience for me. I heard her speak with the ex-IRA bomber, Patrick McGee, who killed her father at the Brighton bombing. Both she and the ex-bomber were on stage, talking so honestly together, at a Leeds Peace forum. Reconciliation can happen with deep healing. Do watch the TED Talk on YouTube called: “Disarming with Empathy.” It holds so much of what I believe in action about forgiveness!

When you understand someone else’s story, you realize why and how people can commit dreadful acts of violence. When you transform your pain, you and I can choose to empathize with our adversaries. When you know the true history everything makes sense.

Jo Berry says on the website, Building Bridges for Peace: "I passionately believe that there is humanity in everyone, and every time we demonize the “other” we are delaying the onset of peace in this world."

IMAGINE A DIFFERENT CHILDHOOD IF YOU HAD IT TOUGH.

Diving deeper: love without the limits of our negative thinking.

I imagine, sometimes, how things would have been if my original family had been more enlightened. What if my father had been able to be honest and open about his childhood and realize his need for constant sex with women came from such hurts in his own childhood? What if my mother could have been helped to make real choices about her abusive background and heal her self-image and learn how to love herself? What if, instead of listening to their violent arguments, we children had experienced them cuddling and doing their best to heal their wounds, never running each other down in front of us? What if they listened to us three children appropriately with respectful sharing at meals? What if, when we cried, we were allowed to be real and not rejected? I remember that my son, Simon, felt so respected when my partner and I involved him in “time to think” sessions. He thought it was marvelous to be so open with his parents.

Imagine if at school we could share what our families are doing best to heal wounds around relationships and sex and any related emotional issues. This is so different from just teaching the mechanics of sex. That class time would be “honest time” for teachers to be facilitators of feelings. Teachers could be real humans to the children they teach. That “freedom to learn” is about questions: Who am I? What is love? It is an opportunity to learn the answer to the question: What inner language do we need to learn to develop love for others and ourselves? The books I have listed in the appendix could be on bookshelves in all places of learning. Imagine having teachers of metaphysics and other philosophies coming into schools and colleges, not just to teach, but listen to students. Imagine that yoga and much more holistic subjects were taught, especially courses in juicing and healthy organic cooking. Imagine that homework was to listen to a CD on loving relationships.

As I said earlier, some counselors who have a narrow view of relationships may consider that I have a “sexual addiction” that needs curing. And here is a list that I could involve in long-term therapy:

·      I had little touch or love when growing up.

·      Sex was all around me, yet often violent.

·      Nobody talked honestly about what was going on in my family. Crazy hurt experiences were just felt and left unhealed, never to be talked about. (I am doing my best now to own my truth. I hope this can help you find your “wise courage.”)

·      A lecturer on a college trip abroad groomed me and raped me. From this one experience, my life imploded. What made it worse was that he and I never spoke about it, and this made me want to “prove” myself as a “man”! What a survival technique!

I have done a lot of healing in these areas, especially through some counseling and emotional freedom therapy (EFT). There is a film of me doing EFT on this rape experience on videotape in 2009 with Gwyneth Moss, an excellent emotional freedom therapist. (See appendix 11.)

I believe when we have a very hurt child inside, if we are threatened as an adult with love being withdrawn, very bizarre behavior can be triggered. When I was told, “Go elsewhere to meet your sexual needs.” I became open to attracting another relationship to fulfill my needs.

Fear of saying “I love you.”

I often ask clients at some point: “Were you ever told you were loved?” The hurt reply is immediately “no” or “you must be joking.” Sometimes, even if words of love were said, they didn’t believe them.

I remember sharing this once with one of my sisters, and she said, “I don’t think we were ever told we were loved!”

The unresolved hurt comes when parents die

When our parents died within six weeks of each other, they had been parted for thirty years. So much hurt came to the surface for both of my sisters.  They are both very clever, and each is successful in her particular way. I have made a choice not to be in contact, out of self-protection. I feel a miracle must happen before we die! So I affirm the miracle: “My sisters and I are divinely guided to become genuine friends, and we can authentically forgive each other for all hurt caused!”

Insight: Our legal system, sometimes, lives off people who don’t know why or how to love their true selves. I believe if we loved ourselves from a place of truth and forgiveness, we would have courts of forgiveness and reconciliation.

COMING OUT POLYAMORY

Awareness leads to consciousness

Let me quote Deborah Anapol from her book, The Seven Natural Laws of Love. This is from the chapter on “Law of Truth”:

The conditioning which most of us have gotten is the exact opposite of the law of truth. The man-made version could be stated like this: If you want to be loved you must project an image of perfection and never say anything, which might hurt someone’s feelings. Never show weakness and never be impolite. Never reveal family secrets. Lie if you need to in order to make a good impression, and keep quiet about anything controversial. If you have been trained to lie about your real feelings and needs from an early age, being truly intimate maybe a challenge for you.

The aversion to truth-telling is partly habit, but it persists for two reasons: First, in order to speak the truth, you have to know the truth. Second, you have to give up trying to control the outcome of speaking the truth.

And Anapol adds so poignantly:

The best way to lie to others is to lie to oneself. After many years of lying to yourself, you may no longer know your true feelings and thoughts...You want to be authentic but you’ve forgotten how.

This really makes so much sense in my own experience and in the experiences of so many of my abused clients.

I have been accused of talking too much about sex and of being addicted to sex. What I do want is for readers to learn that there are other ways of having relationships that our Western culture keeps a lid on. In my opinion, much of our Western consciousness through years of religious indoctrination and “Victorian morality” has forced us to keep secrets and not be truthful.

How does our culture see polyamory?

Counselors and therapists often know very little about polyamory (I certainly did not until I started to read books like Dr. Anapols’s book Polyamory in the 21st Century: Love and Intimacy with Multiple Partners. I also attended a polyamory workshop in Greece.)

Many people may fall back on considering polyamory to be an aberration, a pathology to be avoided or “cured” (as people used to consider homosexuality). I quote from The Polyamory Handbook by Peter Benson:

A common myth in our predominantly Judeo-Christian culture in the Western hemisphere … has been there is only one traditional or “standard” way, one valid and healthy and right way, for people to conduct their loving relationships and that is a pairing of one man and one woman.

Questions I ask you and myself

I ask myself: Could I be covering up my pain by labeling myself a polyamorist? What payoff do I get from keeping secret this need that masks old wounds of loneliness, isolation, and deep rejection in childhood?”

Diving deeper: Am I rationalizing my irrational hurtful behavior?

Am I being so subtle that the ego (the parasite) of feeling unlovable, and it’s a “dog eat dog world” where everyone is out to get me, means I must hide behind a label? Am I just seeking approval? Do I feel empty inside so I need others’ approval?

I ask: Why are there so many painful, jealous divorces in our Western culture? Does this hide people’s need for a new way to understand marriage, one of which could be polyamory? Could we change and share new relationships without divorces? Could we learn through loving ourselves to have more “open relationships” and still love our primary partners? Could an honest open relationship actually enhance the primary relationship? Please hear me; I am not saying all people need to be polyamorous, yet we need to advance our consciousness on this subject, or more and more people will hide and lie in unfulfilling marriages. So often people tell me they have had “affairs” and not told their partners. It’s a scientific fact that we are, on average, living longer and we change in so many ways. These changes may include our sexual orientations and needs. What if our capacity to love ourselves makes us more attractive to others?  I have no clear answers to any of these questions; my journey is work in process. I have seen and experienced firsthand how hard life is for children who have divorced parents. I ask the question: Could humanity make a huge shift in consciousness and realize we are more naturally polyamorous than monogamous?

Imagine us being more honest and giving real respect to our main partner and our main partner to us, if we have emotional and possible sexual relationships, and all parties share together. I am not advocating sex with just anyone. I feel we would see less abuse, and we could actually create communities that are far more real and deeply therapeutic around emotions and sexuality. Children would have much more trust in parents that were listening and empathizing with all feelings. Children deserve to see and hear love rather than jealous fights and arguments between their parents. Imagine, instead of an increasing number of divorces, we could take responsibility for open relationships in which we have a primary partner, and our society and culture says “yes” to this type of behavior—if you communicate with deep integrity and you go at a rate that respects feelings and emotions of all involved! Being honest and truly caring when you have secondary relationships is being responsible.

I am asking this of us men especially: Can we learn to be open to being honest and truly caring if we feel genuine love for another women or man? Could we men allow that same freedom to our primary partner? I don’t believe men come from Mars and women come from Venus. Can we learn a whole new way of being together that dissolves heart-wrenching jealousy and allows love and self-compassion to thrive?

Can we learn a new emotional language that really loves love? That is expansive rather than restrictive of our wholehearted way of being? I realize these are tough questions. I know we could make a safer world in which we could love ourselves and each other if we got the negative nonsense of our past conditioning out of the way. Could we learn how our ego so often defeats us in how expansive and deep love can be? Could we learn and truly experience Deborah Anapol’s Seven Laws of Love? These are:

1.     Love Is Its Own Law

2.     The Law of Source

3.     The Law of Attraction

4.     The Law of Truth

5.     The Law of Unity

6.     The Law of Consciousness

7.     The Law of Forgiveness

This book is so refreshing and could save so many loving relationships from ending poorly—or could we choose to keep love alive in all types of relationships.

Here is a quote from The Prophet by Kahil Gibran:

Speak to us of pleasure.

Pleasure is a freedom-song.

But it is not freedom.

It is the blossoming of your desires …

It is the caged taking wing … Ay in very truth, pleasure is a freedom song.

 … And some of your elders remember pleasures with regret like wrongs committed in drunkenness …

They should remember their pleasures with gratitude, as they would the harvest of a summer.

It finishes, “People of Orphalese, be in your pleasure like the flowers and the bees.”

Coming Out. Questions I ask Myself & YOU!

Dive 3

Healing all of me—the parts I have denied

I say out loud: I am continuously in the process of change and unfolding my awareness, consciousness, and transformation. And so it is. And my affirmation for today Coming out:!

I am possibly a hidden, yet natural, polyamorist—one who maintains more than one romantic relationship at a time. This is not a label I use easily to excuse hurting people I love. I want to understand the following questions: In my heart of hearts I do love my partner, yet why do I feel I want and need love from other women too, who love me just as I am? I have not groomed these relationships, and hopefully have not abused them. I ask sincerely, is it my hurt childhood emotional patterns that cause these needs? Is it a false need—some would say “warped” need—to fulfill love I never had? Is it that I love sex? Is it just the thrill of my ego loving attention? Is it an aging man just wanting attention? I truly want to understand how I can have so much love in me for women who show me love. As I write this I don’t want to be seen as a tribal outcast. I am doing my best to be more aware; I am not just trying to excuse my actions. I do have feelings of love for all the women I have ever been with, and not just sexual feelings. I know I still love my primary partner, and we have had wonderful, passionate sex throughout our twenty-seven years.

I realize I have not faced these questions, and I am sure you may have ambivalent ideas about me. I want you to hear my heart; I am not trying to justify. I want to be open to a real understanding.

 

What is polyamory? I quote from Peter Bensons’ book, The Polyamory Handbook: A User’s Guide:

Polyamory is not a “license for affairs.” The term “polyamory” from the Latin and Greek roots meaning “many loves.” Means the practice or theory of having emotionally intimate relationships with more than one person simultaneously, with sex as a permissible expression of caring feelings, openly and honestly keeping one’s primary (or dating partners)  informed of other intimate involvements.

He also says, “Polyamorous relationships may be emotional without sex…”

Polyamory is egalitarian between the genders (not sexist). It is so important for me to add what Peter says here: “So polyamory is not about indiscriminate sex with many partners and it is not about secret affairs.”

This is what I flouted at the expense of my primary partner. And I am truly sorry. This is not an excuse. I do believe we are so conditioned to do this—both men and women: to lie about sharing love with other partners. If I could turn the clock back, I would tell my partner. This has shattered trust.

Now you know. Please suspend judgments. I touch the Earth with heartfelt regret!

I guess I can empathize with what it was like for people of many generations to be gay. I am possibly a polyamorist. There is no dictionary definition yet. I love to love different women, not necessarily sexually, who love me. I have covered up this need in me for years. I know therapists could say: “This is an addiction and needs treatment.” and a possible reason could come from trying to cheer up mother and sisters! Maybe so. I choose not to beat myself up for this. I have learned that making myself wrong does not bring healing; it blocks my energy and wisdom. It’s work in progress, and writing this book is helping. I hope you can find insights that assist you in healing and loving yourself and, most importantly, being more authentically you. I suspect the fundamentalist religious person reading this could have a “field day” of accusations. I ask you to let God judge me. Thank you.

NEVER GIVE YOUR POWER AWAY!

Regret balanced by a gift from a dream

I admit I could not go to see my father before he died. Looking back, I realize I allowed my own fear to stop me. I regret this, but I am not going to beat myself up! Guilt never accomplishes real healing love. What did happen was that the Divine gave me a lovely gift. It was a dream that mother and father were both sitting on a rocking lounger, enjoying each other’s company, with beautiful classical music playing, including opera, which they both loved here on Earth. And in the beautiful dream, a voice assured me: “They are fine; do not worry!” I woke up crying with joy and deep gratitude. Now, you may say that’s merely an appeasement of my guilt. I say, “No!” Guilt creates fear. I let go of my fear and guilt with love and forgiveness!

Let’s lighten up with an absurd funny story!

The Doctor’s Diagnosis—A Sufi Tale

A man was in bed, very sick. He had not eaten or spoken for two days, and his wife thought the end was near, so she called the doctor.

The doctor gave the old man a very thorough physical examination. He looked at his tongue, lifted his eyelids to examine his eyes, listened to his chest through his stethoscope, tested his reflexes by hitting his knee with a little hammer, felt his pulse, looked in his ears, and took his temperature. Finally, he pulled the bed sheet over the man’s head, pronounced, in somber tones, “I’m afraid your husband has been dead for two days.”

At that moment, the old man pulled back the sheet, lifted his head slightly, and whispered anxiously: “No, dear, I’m still alive!”

The man’s wife pushed his head back down again, covered him once more with the bed sheet, and snapped, “Be quiet! Who asked you? The doctor is an expert; he ought to know!”

Insight: We must never give our power away to those whom we think know more than we do. I had a leg injury from running, and I went to a doctor who said I required an operation. In his opinion, he doubted I would never run or dance again. I said, “You are not going to touch my body. I will find someone who can help my healing without surgery.” I did—a chiropractor. And in six weeks I was running. Now at sixty-five years of age, I dance each and every week.

HEAL YOUR SECRETS!

Heal your secrets now!

I see that when we hold secrets this creates an energy that never finds peace.  Over time, secret lives become lies and eat away at us inside, through fear, guilt, shame, and resentment. Consequently, we can invite painful exits from this life. So I suggest to you, do the work now! Learn to love the parasite of fear right “out” of you. Don’t leave it to your deathbed! Find love inside, and become ever so loveable! I promise it creates miracles of self-acceptance with deep appreciation. Do read the wonderful book, The Voice of Knowledge by Don Miquel Ruiz.

Both my parents were highly intelligent, yet had no inner awareness or wisdom of why and how they could change their lives for the better.

Suggestion: Read self-help books, go to groups, write and speak affirmations, meditate, learn new talents like dancing, let go of negative relationships in leisure time and at work. Attract new relationships! Learn about how to dissolve guilt and stop being a victim in every area of life. I feel this is worth repeating. Do read Guiding Principles for Life Beyond Victim Consciousness by Lynne Forrest. She clearly describes ways to come out of the victim, rescuer, and persecutor triangle.

Guilt: separation insurance

Sondra Ray puts it so succinctly in her book, Loving Relationships:

Guilt is the mafia of the mind. It is a protection plan you sell yourself to avoid anticipated punishment… (This is why guilt is always accompanied by resentment.).Guilt is the major obstacle to success in relationships. How can you let yourself receive unconditional love when you fear the consequences? How can you surrender to love when you fear loss? How can you give yourself what you most desire when deep down you feel unworthy?

Later, she adds:

Imagine the consequences of believing that you being alive hurts your lovers! This one thought can cause you to suppress your feelings, withhold your joy, and deny your divinity for the sake of others. And if you are in love with someone special, you might even be willing to hurt yourself physically (and die) to protect your partner from aliveness.

Don’t concentrate only on how awful life is or was. I know you could say my story is doing that, but getting it out and owning it is part of the healing process. Write and own your story. This can help you let go of the person you think you’re supposed to be and fully embrace who you truly are!

Insight: When I don’t love myself, I put people I love in a “double bind.” I always feel and talk in my head that I am not good enough for them, so whatever they say or do will never be right. In the end, either they leave, or I leave before they have a chance to.

Tip: Do regular affirmations, such as:

·      I forgive myself for hurting others

·      I forgive myself for letting others hurt me

Learn to meditate so the Divine can talk to you. Affirmations are you talking to the Divine! Play beautiful music. I am writing this to the heart-filled voices of “The Flower Duet” from the opera Lakmé. So entrancing!

Suggestion: After writing your story of gloom or doom, write a second story, but in this one, extract joy, no matter how small. You can imagine parents who loved and wanted you! Doing this changes your history. Memories are not you now.

Guilt is one of the biggest bummers that our mind can sell us. It serves no positive purpose! That will get your chatterbox going!

Imagine that your thoughts in this new story attract a new future and you live in the 'POWER OF NOW!' 

Parents Doing The Best They Can.

Emotional patterns

As a child I listened to my mother rant and rave, but not to the wall, as the character in the film Shirley Valentine did. My mother’s continual rants were at us children about what a bad man our father was and how trapped she felt looking after us in an isolated house. At times I remember how her crazy mood swings would even make our two large (often fighting) Alsatian dogs go under the table. When the debt collectors called on my parents, we all had to hide and allow the dogs to bark so our electricity was not cut off. How crazy we were. (This is a scene I am sure copied on many poor housing estates.) When people are poor in consciousness and money, they do the most desperate things.

How I attracted what I felt I deserved—and my way to defend myself was run or lie

I learned very young to survive three very angry women—my mother and my arguing sisters—by trying to appease them in a myriad of ways, which I still see surfacing in my emotional relationships with women. If I feel criticized by a woman with whom I am intimate, I want to run and hide. If I see a woman cry a lot, I feel myself shut off inside from my true feelings; I feel inadequate. I take full responsibility for attracting intimate relationships that are so often critical and full of anger. Now I am willing to dissolve that emotional vibration in me that I so traumatically learned from my mother’s tears or rage. I am still working on this! Of course, in the past I have attracted relationships that were built upon similar emotional patterns. Now I have attracted a relationship that loves to give peace and genuine support and love. It is easy then for me to love from a place of freedom inside and out. It is so much easier not to hide behind lies for fear of risking anger and feeling so wrong. It is so refreshing to deserve positive and authentic love. I remember joking at my own expense to get attention from my family: “Nobody loves me!” What a crazy, damaging thought. I do regret this. I take full responsibility for this behavior. And I say a genuine, “I’m sorry,” to my parting wife and children.

My father

My father became a man I could not truly love; he frightened me in so many ways, and I never trusted him. He always lied to everyone, including himself—and the taxman! Yet he was so creative. He was a genius when it came to building. He was just a very frustrated man—big physically—who learned to hit before he thought! He once admitted to me, “I can never change, Roger. I am my own worst enemy.” What an affirmation! Somewhere, I think he knew how frightened I was of him, and that our relationship was based on fear and anger, even resentment. On birthdays he would sign the card: “As always, Dad.” It used to make me wince inside. However, to be truthful he did once say, “My love, Father!” I remember that was a miracle.

On one of my visits home after listening to The Power Is Within You by Louise Hay, I remember asking my father, “How were you brought up, Dad?”

I listened and heard my father reel off a whole litany of harsh reality that he had gone through. He relayed it with no emotion; he just drank his brandy and sucked on his cigar a little harder. At the end, when he got near feelings and emotions, he said, “Oh, we must not dwell on the past; we have had a great life, haven’t we, son?” I nearly cried in front of him.

Insight: When a son or daughter cannot trust a parent or both parents, it can be so hard later in life to feel true feelings and emotions. It’s hard to identify real feelings, because it feels as if there are so many personalities floating through the conversations of your mind. I found it so hard to say, “I love you,” to anyone—and certainly not to myself in the mirror. This is when my truth would become distorted and I learned to lie without ever feeling what love or truth is! My reality became so confused.