Trauma attracts Trauma.

Trauma attracts trauma

My mother had various emotional breakdowns. When I was seven years old, I found her overdosed. I felt powerless and wondered what I had done wrong! She was sent into the local “psychiatric bin,” was given electroconvulsive therapy (ECT), and came out not knowing my name. I was horrified. And what made it worse was that my mother knew my father was off with one of his women. She could not take the pain of her jealousy. I remember my father covering up my mother’s cry for help to the local doctor, who certified my mother insane without even talking to her. I was in my bedroom, and heard my father say, “I have no idea why Tiny [her nickname] took an overdose; she has so much to be happy about!” I wanted to kill him! Not an easy feeling to carry as a child.

Yet we three children knew. No truth, just a cover up. How often do we all do this in dysfunctional families? I have heard this situation so often from clients. During my years as a social worker, I met many, many parents who could be so brutal to each other and their children. Luckily, nobody on my watch died!

I once said to the ex-minster of heath, David Ennals, whom I was lucky to work with, “So often the wrong people are in mental institutions.” He was confused until I asked him to read the book: Sanity, Madness and the Family: Families of Schizophrenics by R. D. Laing.

Do read this book. It’s a classic that shows that the most sensitive persons in a family are persecuted and become the “scapegoats” for the “sins” or “craziness” of the family. Often people were put in mental institutions, which I visited as a field officer of MIND (a mental health charity in the UK.). I saw at firsthand what hellish environments were given to patients, as so-called caring treatment for such souls. People often stayed for years in these hellholes that should never be there. (I don’t like the word should, yet I feel it’s appropriate in this context.)

David Ennals and I worked together as part of a team to start the MIND campaign that is still going today. The simple aim was to assist people who return to the community after what I call “a break open to their truth”—otherwise known as a “breakdown”!

The danger of unintentional yet harmful childhood internalized labels

My mother labeled my father a “womanizer,” and whenever she told me off, she added: “You’re just like your father!” I don’t think she was even aware of what she was saying. This crucified me inside and still sends reverberations throughout my body. Her anger at my father skewed my thoughts and convinced me that I would grow up like my father. At first I did not compute what a “womanizer” was. All I knew was that it made my mother unhappy. I learned to take in negative thoughts so early into my mind and body that I shut off from anyone who came close.

Insight: When anger is your daily dose, you rationalize the world as an angry place. The lens of your mind, body, and soul becomes contaminated. And so you recreate that negativity in thought, word, or deed!

I love the affirmation: “I clean the windows of my mind, body, and soul with gentle love and forgiveness.” You may think I am crazy, but I am singing this right now to the mountains and the goats outside my door.

THE SUBCONSCIOUS CANNOT TAKE A JOKE.

Do it now! Let go! Dissolve the emotional charge with love and forgiveness! Be willing to practice and practice, telling the truth to yourself in the mirror then to the people who truly matter.

Our parents are always doing their best with the awareness they have. Returning to the story of my parents. In the 1950s and ’60s, divorce was an expensive option for my father and mother. They had very little money, and both must have realized they were trapped and certainly had been duped into thinking that marriage was what they truly had wanted. My father moved us, when I was born, to an isolated, run-down country house with a low, beamed ceiling. There was nobody around to hear the screams. He said: “I love the countryside.” Yet he really wanted a kind of freedom. He put us, “out of sight and out of mind!”

Consequently, my parents argued most often at night, and we could hear this rage through paper-thin walls. During the day, my father would be at work, or as my mother would say sarcastically, “off with his waitress.” Oh, how I hated my mother and father being so sarcastic; their voices scorched my soul.

My father, a clever man, ran a café, a job that he felt was so much beneath his abilities; but he needed to pay the taxman from a war debt.

Insight: When a parent literally hates what he or she does for a living, that rage can so easily spill over into every area of life, especially loving relationships and parenting. Just hearing parents talk about work they bitterly resent, I believe, makes a child cringe with fear and physical ailments often follow... I do believe I always had hearing problems because I never wanted to hear what became a daily dose of negativity from parents and my sister’s sarcastic arguments.

Suggestion: To help me write this now, I love saying or singing the affirmation below to great music and dancing with arms open. Then I put my own arms around me. It’s like saying to the universe: “I am ready!” Here is the card from Louise Hay’s Wisdom Cards that picked me: “I am willing to change and grow. When I am ready to make positive changes in my life, I attract whatever I need to help me.”

The subconscious mind remembers everything—it cannot take a joke!

Understanding our Parents Pain.

Early times

From a very young age, I knew only the fear of raised voices and the violence I heard in those screams. I was the youngest of three children. My mother wanted a boy after two girls. So at least I was wanted! (Unfortunately, many clients I have worked with felt they were rejected in the womb!)

When I see a photo of myself at nine months of age, on the lawn at home, I see looking back at me a very scared little boy who was going to do his best to survive. I chose a set of parents who were in a “war marriage.” By this I mean that my father proposed to my mother when he was going off to war, which he never did. Instead, he went to Canada, where I think he met many women and realized his prowess as a sexual man; so he returned from the war, like so many men (and women) do, a very different man from the one who proposed to my mother. However, my mother was pregnant, and in those times the honorable thing had to be done.

Both parents had experienced a vast array of childhood abuse on both sides of their families, and this eventually played out in the way my sisters and I were parented  It is interesting that I have spent forty-three years of my life listening to abused men and women. Is that why I chose my parents? And they chose me? I did find this difficult to accept—the fact that I actually chose my parents. (Many metaphysical teachers now believe that’s how it happens). I do now see that my childhood experiences have assisted me in my work and hopefully helped me be non-judgmental and authentic to the hundreds of clients who chose me to unburden their stories and make sense of an old saying: “When you know the true history, everything makes sense!” It does not excuse wrong behavior of any kind, yet it can help us see the real person behind such poor actions. This reminds of the Buddhist story:

The Thief Who Became a Disciple

One evening, as Shichiri Kojun was saying his prayers, an intruder entered his house and, holding a big, sharp knife to the holy man’s throat, demanded his money or his life. Shichiri, unruffled, said to the thief, “Don’t disturb me. Can’t you see I’m busy? There’s some money in the draw over there. Take it!” Then Shichiri went on with his prayers. As the thief was stuffing the money in his pocket, Shichiri shouted. “Don’t take it all. I’ve got some bills to pay tomorrow.” The intruder, surprised at encountering such a strange response, left some money behind, and as he was leaving the house, Shichiri called after him, “Isn’t it good manners to thank a person when he gives you something?”

“Thank you.” said the thief, and off he went.

Some days later, the authorities caught the thief, and he confessed all his crimes, including his offence against Shichiri Kojun. When Shichiri was called as a witness for the prosecution he said, “As far I’m concerned, this man is no thief. I gave him the money, and he thanked me for it.” The man was jailed nevertheless, but on his release from prison he went to Shichiri and became his disciple.”

Insight: As I start to be impeccable with my word and watch what comes out of my mouth, I begin to know that I want to be a disciplined, truthful person, and I believe deep down most people want that for themselves. When we share our own vulnerabilities, a healing space is created where “unconscious behavior” becomes conscious. Then transformation can take place on physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual levels. I discover this “person-centered power within” repeatedly in self-help groups and counseling. Choice then becomes increasingly conscious.

Early childhood messages can stay in the subconscious until your willing to release them.

Groomed fear from “threats”

One of the first things I remember my father repeatedly saying to me in our isolated country “madhouse” was one of the most undermining thoughts I have held in the heart of my life. I now know it came so much from his own abused childhood: “Roger, never let anyone know what you truly feel. You may never know when they will use it against you!”

I stop writing and go deep into the negative power of that one thought, which I repeated to myself as a child, as a teenager, and onward into adulthood as a daily subconscious mantra. That one thought creates such internal damage in mind, body, and soul! I immediately want to counteract it with a positive affirmation: “I trust all life. All life loves and supports me.”

You see, I want to trust life and myself. I want to trust that, if I am increasingly honest in my feelings and about my story, life will heal me. I want to trust that there is truly a “divine mind”—a higher self—in all of us humans that respects truth when the power of intention is kindness, love, and truly sought forgiveness.

However, the original internalized thought from my father would say, “You’re an idiot, Roger, for expecting people to forgive and love you for being truthful.”

People might think, and possibly say to my face, that I am an idiot for being honest. Yet if fear meets fear what do you get? More fear! This is what appears to govern so much of our lives. I want this “journey to the power within” to replace fear with authentic love. When I love myself with fear, I think, What are other people saying and thinking about me? Then the ego has a field day with me.  The ego wants to survive at the expense of truth and love. This creates loneliness and isolation. My wooden counseling hut (in my back garden) rings with the history of such yells of self-blame and blames of parents, partners, children, politicians, teachers… anyone! And this is what keeps the energy stuck in guilt, and guilt seeks punishment and punishment produces disease! 

Insight: I believe boys who become men with the same type of negative affirmation that my father gave me, along with many more negative ideas planted firmly in their subconscious minds, can, on a large scale, create and attract wars, abuse, and slavery. On a smaller scale, they can attract all types of negative addictions. In addition, they are malleable in the hands of ideological fundamentalist religions and terrorist organizations that want to rule our world. Thought joins to thought. So, unless we change those destructive thoughts, our world will not be a safe place for us to love and be loveable. We men particularly need to change our conditioning. I believe we can take off our emotional and physical armor by being addicted to finding love inside ourselves, inside our hearts—mind, body and soul. I have often counseled men in particular who could have easily been fodder to violent angry organizations. Let me tell you a Hindu story:

Hiding the Secret

Many, many years ago, when the earth was young, the legends tell us that all human beings were like gods, but they became very haughty and proud, and so abused their god-like nature that Brahma, the chief god, decided to take it away from them and hide it where it could never be found. He called together a council of the lesser gods to ask their advice.

“I think we should hide it in some dark forest where human beings have never set foot,” said one. “They will never find it there.”

“Oh yes they will,” replied Brahma. “One day, every mile of the earth will be colonized by human beings. They are sure to find it in a forest.”

“Then we must bury it deep in the earth,” said another. “They will never find it there.”

“Oh yes they will,” said Brahma. “One day they will dig mines for gold and precious stones, and they will surely come across it in the earth.”

“Then we must bury it in the ocean,” advised a third. “The ocean is so vast that no human being will ever be able to explore its depths completely.”

“Oh yes they will,” said Brahma, becoming impatient with the poor advice. “One day they will build submarines and travel to the bottom of the deepest oceans. And before you suggest it, they’ll find it on the highest mountain.”

Suddenly, Brahma’s face lit up. He had an idea. “I know what we’ll do. I know where we can put it where it will never be found.”

“Where’s that?”

“Deep inside the human heart! Nobody will ever think of looking there!”

This story comes from Eric Butterworth’s book, Discover the Power Within You: A Guide to the Unexplored Depths Within. For Butterworth and those who think like him—including Hindus, Sufis, Gnostics and Mystics—looking within to find God—or the Source—is the whole purpose of the spiritual life.

Awareness

You might choose to put this book down now and just meditate on what threats were given to you in life that made you so frightened of you and living your life with creative love. Also, reflect upon how those threatening thoughts have become deep beliefs that affected your life in relationships, parenting, work, money, sex, spirituality, health, and any area of your life.

Insight: So many of my clients have been groomed by threats that have disconnected them from the power within and have affected their ability to have self-worth, self-love, and self-esteem. I love the affirmation: “My thoughts are my best friends.” Whenever I start on a real downer, I remember to say these powerful words. I imagine the crystals in my body, which is 70 percent water, becoming beautiful! Especially when I read Dr. Masaru Emoto: The True Power of Water: Healing and Discovering.

Facing my MISTAKES.

Facing my mistakes

Let me quote Wayne Dyer, in his role in the film The Shift:

I’ve found that every spiritual advance I’ve made was preceded by some sort of a fall—in fact, it’s almost a universal law that a fall of some kind precedes a major shift.

And he adds so poignantly:

A fall can be an embarrassing event that reveals the exaggerated influence of ego has been allowed to play in one’s life.

Awareness: Guilt can make me feel inferior. Many times people have tried to manipulate me by putting me in the position of being wrong. My parents, sisters, teachers, and ex partners did that. I admit I attracted those types of relationships. I now want to explain to my grown up children that “my negative emotional patterns learnt in my childhood, has nothing to do with them and their inner worth.” It’s important how they see themselves in a positive light.

 I also realize I don’t want to live under a “cloud” of guilt with my grown-up children or with my ex-partner. If I allow guilt to control my life, I deny myself love and stay stuck, so I admit my true mistakes and honestly say, “I’m sorry,” from my heart. I now want to forgive myself and learn to be honest, open, and receptive to all love that life has to offer.

The true benefits of parting with love and forgiveness are that we will both take our capacity to love into the future, appreciating each other and ourselves from a place of expansion and unconditional love. We have so many possibilities with increased awareness and consciousness to attract what we truly want and need. We will also attract positive relationships that are honest and open. We are honoring our past love and taking good memories into the future, where we both have integrity. I want to stay friends with my ex-partner and will be there if she needs me. I see our parting as life giving us an opportunity to grow.

Choosing not to buy into fear!

Have you ever been at a place where you make out in your head that you’re bad and your shame permeates everything you see and feel and you’re losing every close relationship and everybody’s respect? Well those are victim thoughts, and victims seek to be rescued, and then they seek to blame. This is such a waste of energy! I know I need to take full responsibility for my mistakes and the hurt those mistakes have caused. However, if I put myself on the cross (or let others do it), I will not learn to heal and be self-actualized with self-compassion. I also know this is time for deep learning. I learn to be assertive and not to be bullied by others or myself. (I suggest further reading: Guiding Principles for Life Beyond Victim Consciousness by Lynne Forrest with Eileen Meagher.)

Leaving a relationship after twenty-seven years causes hurt, pain, regret, and anger. Yet with continual willpower to forgive and let go with love, huge growth, I believe, can take place—even on the subtle cellular level. When I leave people, I often say, “Take good risks.” So many of us say, “Take care.” Well, I am doing my best to put those thoughts together. I need to “take good risks” in writing this book with deep discerning wisdom. I don’t see that I am washing my “dirty laundry” in public. I see as I move forward with a positive intention that you and I can learn, and we can create a true healing on many levels. Initially, I did not welcome this inner journey. Now I welcome the inspiration of my inner calling that believes both of us, my partner and I, will grow in wisdom, trust and expand with creativity and kindness.

American spiritual teacher Vernon Howard wrote, “Disillusionment with yourself must precede enlightenment.”

I do not want to excuse myself, yet I want to make sense to myself about how I have got myself into this situation. So many people learn to lie to themselves and their loved ones. Even people who appear to have the moral high ground do this. Is lying endemic to get on and have your needs met? No!

So many of us hold secrets in our family lives and our public lives that can literally kill us; it certainly kills love. Men in highly powerful positions in politics and business have learned to lie and cover up until money markets crash and scandals of fraud are exposed. I have just come from a chance meeting with a very voluble Englishman whom I met while I was relaxing in a coffee bar here in Crete. He realized I was English. (I was wearing a green hat!) After ten minutes of talking, this man looked frightened when I asked: “What was your work before retiring?” It was just an innocent question… a common way we men talk about work! His nervous answer came;

“I used to teach Swiss bankers English in Berne.” he replied, looking over his shoulder as though really frightened. Then, in a soft tone he whispered, “I have never met such a bunch of morally corrupt people in all my life. I even got told off for introducing good ethics in my English class! All they are interested in is their rich cars and houses!” He left nervously, cycling fast down the high street, as though he was going to be assassinated!

Can we make a difference by being more open and truthful? Yes. If we are prepared to have courage, then we can inspire others to have courage to share their vulnerabilities. Which reminds me of the next story:

Starfish on the Beach

While walking along the beach one day, a young man noticed thousands of starfish had been washed up by the tide. The tide was going out, and the starfish were stranded. There was no way that they could get back to the water, and within an hour or so they would be dead.

In the distance, he noticed an elderly woman, who was picking up the starfish from the beach and throwing them back into the sea. He approached her and asked, “What are you doing?”

“I’m throwing these star fish back to the sea.”

“But why are you bothering? There are thousands of them, and what you are doing won’t make any difference,” said the young man.

“It will make a difference to this one,” said the lady as she hurled another starfish into the receding tide.

In my opinion, yes, we can learn to lie and die inside. Maybe there are millions of lies held on the beach of life, yet this lady’s example is worth following. I want to own my unfolding truth and throw myself back into the sea of life and live and become open and receptive to a vast pipeline of new possibilities. I want to teach people—especially men who are willing—to love who they are and not control or be controlled by fear and all its accompanying emotional patterns.

Dive 2 DARE TO BE YOU!

Dive 2

Dare to be me: Warrior Love

As I sit looking down the mountain and at the deep blue sky I ask myself:

Do I really want to change and grow, or am I too fearful of what I may find? The answer comes:

Dare to be you; not what you think others may want you to be!

This is where a retreat into your wisdom and love can begin. This book is from my heart—nonacademic and written in simple language. It is about what I have learned to love, especially the power within, which watches my negative self-destructive thoughts and behavior, and feeds my intuition positively. It invited me to “come out” to Crete (before I leave this training ground called Earth!). So here goes. Hold onto our magical carpet and fly with me!

Don’t die wondering—life is a series of lessons

What if you and I left this life knowing who we are and that we are full of love, kindness, and creativity? What a wonderful thought! Imagine … no bitterness no regrets. No unnecessary disease. We learn to open our inner power to see life as constant learning and a loving place to be.

I know I am not perfect, and I have made mistakes. The mistakes attract tough experiences, yet I see everything as lessons that teach me about authentic compassion and self-compassion. This, in turn, carves out my unique path towards consciousness and transformation.

Now imagine being at our own funeral

I ask myself: “How will I be remembered and spoken about at my funeral?” I immediately think that joy and inner peace would radiate to all who spoke about me at my funeral. Yes, there may be some people who might say, “What a lovely rogue he was,” yet it would be said with love for my imperfections. Because I allowed myself to love myself from a place of authenticity, I may have been hurt. I may have transferred my pain onto others, risking the path of loving and being loved! I may have hidden parts of my life from those close to me, and I might take this with me to my maker! Some people may stay silent for fear of offending my name and others may gossip their opinions. Yet no matter, I would have lived with love in my heart.

Well, I make a clear choice to share those hidden thoughts with you in this book. I ask you to go deep into resonating with your own life as I unravel mine. I sense, then, that the hidden forces, faculties and talents, become alive as I discover myself in being truthful, without fear of criticism, gossip, shame, or blame.

Risk loving you

Now, to risk loving means loving my more permanent self enough to be truly human and at times become excruciatingly vulnerable and intimate with the images that the mirror of life reflects back to me. Yet I do so with self-compassion. I know I risk everything I have ever helped to create back home by being truthful. I am not writing this book to hurt anyone. I am writing it to, just maybe, help you, the reader, be more open to change and go within to experience with me some realization of:

Who am I?

What do I need to learn?

What have I deep inside to give?

What is my real purpose in this life?

Often I hear from people what they don’t want; yet not what they love with passion, the latter I believe, can expand our capacity for unconditional love. This is probably the only capacity we take to our next life in spirit. That may be a little advanced for you to comprehend at this stage; indeed, when I first heard this I said, “Get real. Life is tough. It’s not about learning unconditional love!”

Yes, that was my first reaction to being asked to love me, a man! All I know is that, when someone suggested, “You can learn to love you just as you are,” I scoffed so hard I choked. My resistance was so full of cynicism. I thought I was a hardened, “street wise” man with life’s knocks to prove it! I loathed being open, and I had no real emotional language or intelligence. I was a “man!” Ah! What a limiting belief! Ring any bells, men?

So now on day one of a thirty-day quest in Crete, I start this book sitting in an isolated villa, high above a town in the southern part of the island, with the morning sun warming my typing fingers. Outside, Konstantina, my landlady, is gardening with her beloved longhaired black collie dog, ReBell! The villa took ten years to complete… that’s Greek time… slowly, slowly! In Greek, ciga ciga!’

First Morning

At home in the UK, I begin the day by sending, a text—a positive affirmation each day—to a hundred people or more. It’s a lovely action that inspires me. Now being abroad, I give a positive affirmation to myself from Louise Hay’s pack of Wisdom Cards. The card says, “I can heal myself on all levels!” And on the reverse side it says: “Healing means to make whole and to accept all parts of myself, not just parts I like, but all of me.” How appropriate. And then I open her book, You Can Heal Your Life to a random page and read: “My life doesn’t work.” I am reminded how I used to wake up saying, “My body, finances, and relationships don’t work!”

Now I have manifested a beautiful villa with a magnificent view of a winding snake-like road between sun-scorched mountains and the sea. I can hear goats—their bells are ringing. And I can hear dogs barking. The most precious gift is time to think and write this book, away from all family and friends. It is my retreat to all my earthly senses and with the unseen inspiration calling me and guiding me. Let me dive in the deep end. As Dr. Deborah Anapol wrote, “Love is its own law.”

I accept love is a mystery and most people want love.

Here is what I have learned over years as I have grown to like and gradually love me and life, that I call warrior love.

·      I have confidence in my ability to communicate to a whole range of people. They often share their secrets and their willingness (and resistance) to love themselves.

·      I am learning to be giver as well as a receiver of love, with a high degree of compassion and self-compassion.

·      I do my best not to judge or gossip. The effect of gossip is so destructive; when I see myself do it, I do my best to stop.

·      I am a person learning to have pleasure, including sex, without shame.

·      I am allowing others to love me in deep platonic friendships. This was one of the most difficult changes, because I never thought or felt loveable.

·      I am learning to take back my power to earn good money doing work I love. I realize now how important this is toward building self-esteem, self-worth, and self-love.

·      I am learning to say positive affirmations in the mirror about my mind and body and soul, including my sexuality. I love playing audio principles of success daily, especially when I find myself reverting to old negative habits.

·      I am learning to follow my intuition by meditating.

·      I am willing to learn from teachers who cross my path.

·      I am learning to turn my negative beliefs into positive affirmations: An example:
“I am open and receptive to all good!”
“I am safe.”
“I release the need to be right.”
“I am at peace. I love and approve of myself.”

·      I am learning, gradually, to let people know who is behind the masked, hurt adult and releasing the “genius” child. I believe this genius is in all of us—when we choose to love ourselves by developing a nurturing inner parent! A parent that loves us, even when we make mistakes—especially while we learn. This makes warrior love a reality.

·      I am willing to let go with love, relationships that constantly criticize and try to control me through guilt. I ask myself: What in me attracted this experience? I take responsibility to do some work to change and heal me.

·      I am learning gradually to tell the truth by courageously owning my story.

·      I realize that, as I learn to love myself, I can forgive myself, especially when I take responsibility for my mistakes.

·      When I look into a real mirror or a metaphorical mirror that reflects what I have attracted to me in experiences, I can now learn patience and believe myself when I say, “I love you, Roger, even when you make mistakes.” I am learning to be patient—not an easy family pattern to change. So often I have wanted to jump a whole series of lessons, because my ego wanted everything now without doing the work.

·      Most importantly, I ask people I have hurt to forgive me, and I ask this with authenticity.

·      I am learning that, when I invite the source of love to help me, even the toughest experiences are transformed into healing.

·      I am learning to handle anger, jealousy, guilt, shame, and grief, and see each of these emotional states as an opportunity to learn.

·      I am learning the difference between man-made laws of love and natural laws of love.

·      I see more clearly that to have a real relationship with another, I need a shared life purpose and similar spiritual values.

·      I am learning what I need in a relationship. This is an emotional resonance of appreciation for self and each other based on being true to self and the other person. Then criticism is so rare, and each day can be full of love and happiness.

·      If the relationship is built just on sexual attraction, and an unwillingness to truly love one’s true self, then the relationship with self and anyone else is a co-creation of unhappiness.

·      I am willing to live on my own and be happy rather than accommodate fear, guilt, shame, and resentment from another.

And now, I dive into that part of me that wants to stay secret!

How to let go without making me wrong or me right

Now my aim is to manage the change and transition with my primary partner with deep gratitude, love, and integrity. Some of those changes are personal to us. Simply, we have changed, and we need to go our different ways and do what our spiritual paths guide us to be. Like many partners, we gradually learned to take each other for granted. We did things often separately; we lost the zest for being together. Our hobbies were so different. What we agree on, however, is that we want the best for each other. If I am in a prison of self-righteousness and the other is wrong, then it’s still a prison! I want to be human not right!

For years I have loved and sat listening to my partner, and she has done the same for me. We always gave the gift of deep listening to each other. We have talked at length in the later years about our relationship and whether to “open” our marriage to others, which I later suggest can be such a gift of love to similar-minded partners. The problem is, when we have been conditioned to monogamy, then being open can be so hard, because thoughts of guilt, fear, and criticism, can erase love of self and our own self-compassion. I loved faithfully as a monogamous man, until some years ago. And somewhere, I chose not to tell my primary partner that my capacity for love was expanding in a way that was new and not fully understood by me. As I write this book, I still love her deeply. Yet our energy vibrations are so different, and our way of understanding marriage has changed.

Constant self-criticism, I believe, kills love

I saw constant signs of my partner not loving and accepting how beautiful she is, and her self-criticism hurt me so much. No matter how much I appreciated and loved her, I came to feel that the blame she accepted of herself was my fault. What I experienced was growing anger inside her, especially when her mother died.

Insight: When you have experienced anger and criticism for, and from, a parent that is unresolved, you may bring this emotional pattern into intimate relationships. I did blame my parents, and I take responsibility that this negative emotional pattern developed beliefs and emotions that I allowed to control me. I now choose to forgive my mother and father and not stay in blame. I cannot change anyone else, especially my partner. I need to change and be a person congruent to my beliefs. Hopefully, I am choosing to love, be loving and loveable. Constant criticism in any guise creates a vibration that brings ill health and constant resistance to loving self.

The mirrors

I consistently do a lot of mirror work, seeing what in me made my partner so critical of herself and, at times, of me. Now I accept that my love was not honest and good enough. I was not impeccable with my word. Sometimes I certainly took things personally, and I did not always do my best. And I made the assumption that I could go elsewhere to meet some of my needs.

So now I recognize that there is a beginning, middle, and an end in our intimate relationship. I recognize that people come into our lives for a time and then leave at the right time. It has taken us, as happens with so many couples, a personal crisis to separate. We agreed for most of our relationship to be monogamous. Then as both of our needs changed we grew apart and we met our needs in different ways. My partner clearly wants now to stay monogamous. I choose differently. I want to be open to whatever happens that is wholesome and does not make me wrong or my partner wrong. That would come from such unresolved pain and limiting beliefs. This is work in progress. I want to be gentle as I learn from our parting. I don’t want to stay in the role of guilty person. Love for me cannot be turned on as a reward. It cannot be turned off as a punishment.

I would choose to live on my own and be happy rather than stay in a relationship where we both feel wrong

This is one great benefit of living by myself in a retreat and seeing the negative emotional patterns more clearly. It’s painful to admit this, and yet so freeing. I just picked up The Seven Natural Laws of Love by Dr. Deborah Anapol and read: “You are the source of love. You! Not your husband or your wife, not your lover, not your parents, nor your guru... love is within each of us and radiates outwards.”  Over the years of struggling with where and what is love? I realize it’s an inside job! that can be a truly worthwhile journey.

A lighter story! (But let me be clear—I am now not looking for the perfect woman).

A Sufi Story

Nasrudin met an old friend whom he had not seen for twenty years. They sat together in the cafe and talked over old times.

“Did you ever get married, Nasrudin?” asked the friend.

“No, I’m afraid I didn’t.”

“Why not? I’ve been married many years, and I’ve never regretted it.”

“Well,” said Nasrudin, “I was always looking for the perfect woman. I wanted my wife to be beautiful, intelligent, and sensible.”

“And you never found her?”

“I thought I had, when I was twenty. Her name was Ablah. She was beautiful, just the kind of woman I like, but I’m afraid she wasn’t very intelligent, and her language was atrocious! I was embarrassed to be with her! She certainly wasn’t the perfect woman.”

“Was she your girlfriend?”

“No. When I was twenty-five I met a woman called Bahira. She was good looking and intelligent, but she wasn’t very sensible. She spent all my money on frivolous things, and she couldn’t even boil an egg! She wasn’t the perfect woman either.”

“Were there anymore?”

“Only one. At thirty I met Haddiyah, and she was truly a gift from God! She was the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen, and the most intelligent. What’s more she was prudent and sensible, a good cook, and a brilliant conversationalist.”

“She sounds like the perfect woman you were looking for!”

“She was the perfect woman I was looking for.”

“Then why didn’t you marry her?”

“Unfortunately, she was looking for the perfect man!”

Insight: I admit I was, in the past, looking for the perfect woman to marry and be monogamous for life; I thought the “perfect woman” would make up for my deficiencies and make me happy! I wanted to be the dominant male and have no competitors from other males. Oh what limiting beliefs! I needed to do a whole lot of work on my father-son emotional sexual patterns. I’ll talk about this later.