Families Hold Secrets.

Abuse within the family

My mother’s father, from a very young age, sexually abused my mother. These experiences made her hate sex and certainly distrust men. As I alluded to before, there was little experienced counseling in the 1950s, especially for the sexually abused. And the very idea of visiting a stranger to talk about private feelings made one appear to be a very “weak” person. Therapy or counseling was a luxury only the upper classes could afford. The financial barrier to poorer people is, I believe, still there.

Insight: When threats are used by an adult who is a parent or an authority over a child, and who is also that child’s abuser, a great deal of internalized fear is brought about in that child, even as he or she grows into adulthood. So if I, another adult, suggest to that person to go within and love himself or herself, that inward journey can be full of initial terror! What horrors of memories may be encountered? To a person with that sort of abusive background, loving himself or herself can be like torture at first. I certainly think it was for me. I first needed to feel safe, then I had to trust I was strong enough to keep going. Now as I go within and find love, forgiveness, and freedom it’s a whole different trip! I can now look into a mirror and be real when I say, “I love you, Roger.” Even with all the mistakes I have made, I am free!

I have always yearned for freedom and at times that has been at a high personal price!

Learning to give and receive from the heart

I have often given away my services cheaply. I have asked people to pay me when they have made leaps in self-esteem or, with their new consciousness, so in turn help someone else who might need their assistance. Often I received financial help, and I had no way of paying back the money. I hope I have passed on this kindness later. This, I believe, is how life works in a more truly caring culture. Yet, as I said earlier, all of this undermined my own self-worth and my partner’s opinion of me.

I have received such abundant finances through my father-in-law, and from my father and one sister, which I am so grateful for. Their help has allowed me to give my time and energy and skill to so many people. I was always grateful to my mother-in-law for suggesting, “Roger, you could build a special garden hut and use it as a place to meet your clients.” Thank you … may your spirit be free and happy.

That hut has attracted and heard such long stories from deeply frightened personalities, and I have been privileged to guide and witness deep and authentic positive healing.

Insight: Abuse in one generation does not have to pass onto the next generation and down the family tree. It can stop when people learn they are full of love, and not hate. However, this is a challenge we face today, right now. This little book is part of that offering. Imagine if all dictators had been loved and had been able to trust in their formative years. I don’t believe they would come out from childhood projecting all their rage onto ethnic minorities or any group. I ask you, what would happen if all potential dictators and despotic leaders of gangs and tribes had learned to love themselves and had been taught love rather than hate and fear? What would our world be like? You might think that is so simplistic. Well, I have seen such positive changes in men who could be, and indeed were, so cruel to life.