To go through life knowing you are keeping a secret in your heart, hurts everyone you love, including yourself.
To keep blame in your heart of self or another, when that secret is shared is so damaging to the true art of forgiveness.
The closeted secret of being Polyamourous, the ability to love more than one person, is I believe a secret, millions of people hold without consciously knowing how to handle it. We hide in monogamous marriages and have secret affairs, or we move from one marriage to another.
Our religion, our marriage oaths, our society, our social media, our conditioning keeps us all in a closet saying:
"Don't tell anyone otherwise you will be abandoned, rejected, children will dis-respect you! Friends will turn against you and many other unforeseen consequences will happen."
So you keep the secret, and then in some way the universe says; "time is up," no more, you are found out!
What can you do? What can you learn? Who can you turn to? What do you need to learn?
THE POWER OF CREATIVITY
For me, the insights came as I went to Crete and writing Warrior Love. I wanted to forgive myself and be forgiven for being a poly in a monogamous marriage. I still love my partner and we had both changed. I did regret so deeply carrying a lie and yet I knew my vulnerable self needed to be creative. So I wrote each day.
I do ask for forgiveness for my lie. Yet it is strange those people who I thought would be empathic, understanding would at least want to meet me and share, even if they thought; "I was a naughty boy!" As one so-called friend let slip over a meal.
CUT OFF!
So now I have come out, I have asked 4 therapists to counsel me. None have returned my calls. I sense as a well known therapist myself, I would need to educate them, before they labelled me a 'pathological sexual deviant.'
I would love those so-called friends to read Warrior Love, yet have they? No! Because I sense they are so full of fear and judgement. Yet, they judge me before talking to me or reading the book.
Have they watched the You Tube film I suspect NO!
I ask you, can you throw the stone at me and be so clear in your consciousness that you are without some secret? Some of you I have been there for you when you needed real help. Now you take sides and condemn. Well I am unwilling to take your judgement and my heart is clear: "I let you go with love!"
Do I feel sad? Yes. Sometimes angry? Yes! And yet I now know, who wants to know me as I come out. Who wants to support me and be a true friend.
I risk to love you all and I will not put myself on your cross and nail myself to your judgements. I truly want to move forward with love and consciousness in my heart. If you ever change your judgements I am here.
An alternative to this approach would be to be completely committed to sexual fidelity, putting your partner at the heart of your love and life, and discovering the joy that can come from such a relationship. I have been in an unfaithful marriage with the secrecy that you abhor, and I know how terrible that can feel. However, I also know, despite occasional attraction to others, that the price of infidelity is too high for me or my present husband, the hurt it would cause him unconscionable, and just not worth considering. I have not felt my life has suffered through this decision, rather I love him and myself more fully. You have clearly made different choices and bravely come out about them, with the ensuing judgements and gossip. I fear the philosophy you espouse can only lead to hurt and estrangement. Maybe human beings just cannot cope with polyamory.
ReplyDeleteTina thank you for your reply.
DeleteI loved (and still do love) my partner with deep passion and commitment for 23 years. Then we both changed and grew in different directions. We both needed different types of relationships to meet our newly arising needs. If we keep so many lies inside our heart about loving more than one person at the same time, I think the consequences are so poor for the main relationship over time. We are living longer and change in every area of life. I want my book to at least explore learning how to truly cope with jealousy and ownership.
I no longer want to bury myself in the belief, its too hard to 'open up' our capacity to love more than one person. I want my former partner to be happy and find new love of self and another and remember our time together with good memories; not just stay in pain and blame.
I will always carry the love I have for my partner in my heart of mind, body and soul.
So many secrets are kept about this truly 'touchy' subject, well I choose to at least shine a light into the darker corners, so our children and future generations can become more honest and open about their ability for unconditional love. The world is crying out for love of honest love, not hiding in unhappy monogamy or polyamory or celibacy. We all need to learn what is right for us. I would love your feedback on the long video on this. Thanks for being brave and wise to at least reply. Go well in love.
Where I can agree with you is that secrecy in relationships, deceiving one's partner, having clandestine affairs and often lying about them, all these behaviours are deeply wrong and profoundly hurtful to all concerned. However, if my husband said he still loved and cared about me but he needed something/one else, I doubt it would leave me feeling very loved. These ideas are not for the faint-hearted and for my part, having lived through the open marriage era and seeing all the damage caused by that, I prefer to stay with my position that committed, dedicated love for one person in the sexual realm is the best. However, this does not mean that loving, intimate connections with others are impossible, sexuality not being the only area where real contact can occur. Anyway, I doubt we will ever agree on this. I hope that your decisions do not result in an isolated old age, separated from the people who have committed themselves to you over many years and with whom you have a shared history.
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